‘Cookie Monster F. Baby’

13

I hate Oreos. The people & the snack food. The problem (with the snack food) is that the cookies never work right for me. Regardless of my un-twisting technique, that trick that everybody else can do, to lick the creamy middle (no innuendo), I can not. Aside from that, I’m a Chips Ahoy man, anyway, but that’s neither here nor there.

The Oreo brand is a major part of the American quilt, without question. They’ve been in dozens of famous movies, babies like them, & if nothing else, they’re always a great reference for racial harmonies (or the lack thereof) in America. They’ve even launched an awesome new market scheme that has Shaquille O’Neal draped in pink pen stripes. The point is, Oreo has reached McDonalds & Coca Cola status, meaning that it’s cemented as an iconic household name that will never run it’s course.

Oreo Cookies ran a campaign to set a world record for how many “likes” they can get on their facebook page in a matter of 24 hours. They successfully set the record, with over 100,000 likes, or something like that, but don’t quote me. Not for nothing, but I would’ve assumed it would be much more people that “like” Oreos, especially with Americans being so obese, but that’s beside the point. As if to shit on Oreo out of boredom, everybody’s favorite reformed MC, Lil Wayne, caught wind of this & decided to do the exact same something very similar. If the heads of Nabisco knew anything about Hip Hop, they could’ve hit WSHH with a video calling Wayne out for explicit swagjacking. It would behoove corporations to hire young, hip people for these types of street-oriented showdowns.

What took Oreo a day to do, Wayne did in minutes. Within hours of starting his campaign, Wayne had surpassed Oreo’s amount of likes, 2-3 times. This super company – that’s seen sugary sweet junk food houses come & go, & probably caused a diabetic stroke or 3 in it’s days – got ramshackled by a little negro celebrity that the CEO of Oreo had probably never heard of before that day. Wayne knew what he was doing the whole time, now that I think about it. I doubt they’ll pay him to auto-croon about their cookies, but surely they can grease his palms enough to put some of his million dollar stank on it.

This is what the industry’s about now. Marketability. Truthfully, nobody cares if you can rap (or sing or dance, etc.). All that’s important is how many people subscribe to your brand of bullshit. Investors look at potential clients and see nothing but numbers, like the Matrix. The higher the numbers the better, especially if it’s for cool things like crimes committed or times arrested. All Wayne did was let corporate America (as a whole) know that he’s a face-tatted, money-making, attention-getting beast, & if they didn’t know it before, they will now. It’s no wonder that the rich get richer, & rap is out of control.

For illustrative purposes, if Oreo was a rapper, somebody in Lil Wayne’s gang would’ve gotten their chain snatched or shot at for that type of disrespect. But, alas, these people make cookies, not threats. The thing they should be doing right now, though, is trying to convince Lil Wayne to start dipping his in his styofoam cup, because I’ve heard promethazine makes cats easier to deal with.

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13 comments on “‘Cookie Monster F. Baby’

  1. Soulrise says:

    I like Oreos (the cookies not the ppl) but I never try to twist em apart, I always assumed that was just a thing they did on the commercials only. Soft and chewy Chips Ahoy are the bizness though.

    Like

  2. Lmao @ Soulrise
    I’m not really to fond of cookies either. I wouldn’t be suprised if Oreo and Lil Wang partnered up. It’d be a little odd but they can make it work.

    Like

  3. Mark Dub says:

    I love Oreos & Chips Ahoy…thus my ever-expanding waistline. Fux it…and fux Wang’s attention-whoring.

    Like

  4. Capital G says:

    Oreo is an alright fall back cookie. No chocolate chips in the crib but gotta satisfy that sweet tooth? Settle for some oreos. Ever try to brush your teeth after eating them shits? You’ll wreak havoc on a toothbrush and be spitting mint flavored mud out.

    Like

  5. Capital G says:

    Quick trivia querry: Name the bootleg Oreos that are kosher so brothers like Shyne can enjoy them.

    Like

  6. Capital G says:

    Kosher cookies = Hydrox. Chinese oreo introduction: 1996 (cheated and checked wikipedia)

    Like

    • Tony Grands says:

      See, I try & keep it 100 with my fam, take my el, & roll with it. You cheated.

      Hydrox #NoThankYouPlease

      Like

      • Capital G says:

        How the hell was anyone supposed to know when Chinese people got to taste Oreos? You really knew that shit off the top of your head? As far as cheating? Ain’t no shame in my game! Win if you can, lose if you must, but always remember to cheat.

        Like

  7. $yk says:

    “I like Oreos (the cookies not the ppl)”

    ^ rofflesberger

    Oreos are kosher too Cap…the u inside of the O means orthodox union…

    Lorna Doones>>>>>Oreos

    Like

    • $yk, those Lorna Doones are the business. My moms put me on them shits. But ain’t a cookie out there fucking with the Oreo aside from Keebler Fudge Stripes. Wow… I sound like a fatass. Oh, well. Weezy’s got power to persuade the morons who eat cookies AND use Facebook together. I’m not surprised he did that, but I’on think he’s REALLY behind that shit.

      Commission!!!

      Like

  8. DV says:

    Cookie, Cookie Cookie!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (in Cookie Monster voice)

    Like

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