‘Eight Things Charlie Sheen Needs Right Now’


8. Cigarette Endorsements
•During my 7 month stint in rehab, I’m sure I smoked up hundreds of cigarette dollars. Not only is Charlie Sheen already a chain-smoking madman, but he has the whole world watching his crazy White ass right now. & since we all know it’s merely momentary, I advise Charlie to get it while the getting is good. Some cigarette company would gladly provide him with an endless assortment of their finest cancer sticks & the money to destroy his lungs in real-time. See, better friends would’ve been all over that last week, for monetary purposes & what not. Just saying.

7. A Copy Of ‘A Million Little Pieces’ By James Frey.
•This book helped me to deal with a lot of my post-addiction anxiety. I’d read it on the way to rehab, but never afterward, for whatever reason. Admittedly, I didn’t finish it, but if Charlie’s seriously considering a positive ending to this daunting jaunt through his personal hell, he should read this book. Also, I don’t believe 50% of what Sheen says & Frey was labeled a liar by Jesus Winfrey, so there’s a commonality that he may be able to draw strength from.

6. ‘Dr. Octagonecologyst’ By Kool Keith a/k/a Dr. Octagon
•This album is easily the craziest collection of organized nonlogic I’ve ever heard. [Sidenote: No hype; it’s a bugged-out experience.] It’s so crazy, in fact, that I dare Charlie Sheen to listen thoroughly, & offer me some stimulating insight as to the meaning of this rare album. That activity should reverse any psychosis, because no matter how looney Carlos gets, he’s not as crazy as Kool Keith. Really though.

5. A Higher Power
•I’ve found that shit is a lot easier to deal with when you have someone to blame your hardships & sacrifices on. I’m far removed from blaming my parents for my mistakes, just like I’m a little too old to be asking them for monies. That said, I always have my higher power (which may not be the same as yours, but so what?). AA speaks about your higher power, but it’s not as deep as the Big Book makes it. It’s a matter of coming to the conclusion that you can’t control everything, & in that case, “let go & let God,” so to speak. If you don’t/can’t/won’t do that, prepare for insanity.

4. Constant Reminders Of His Kids
•Y’all know how I feel about my kids. Assuming he cares half as much for his as I do for mine, there’s a pretty good chance that the only people that can find the “real” Charlie Sheen (who – coincidentally – is named Carlos) amid the erratic behaviors, are his children. Even at my lowest, I recognized my kids, because real recognizes real. & not for nothing, but if his kids aren’t enough to reel him in at least enough to be optimistic for some help, then his condition is worse than I perceive it to be.

3. Hobbies & Other Outside Interests
•I’m about absolutely positive I’ve never seen or heard about Charlie Sheen’s golf game. I thought that, by law, rich White men had to spend an undisclosed amount of time on a golf course every year. Silly me. Now that I think about it, he’s not one of those “paparazzi” victims, either, which leads me to believe that Charlie Sheen spent the better part of his ‘2 & A Half Men’ salary on vagina & cocaine, holed up away from sunshine & real people. Also, I believe he was drinking on the set of the show, because you can’t have a true alkie that close to open alcohol containers without him/her acting like a fiend. Even if it’s a million dollar fiend. If you watch the last 3 or so seasons of ‘2 & A Half,’ you will notice how extremely calm & laid back Sheen seems to be in all the scenes. In hindsight, that, too, explains his lucid perception of actuality. Charlie Sheen needs something else to do, & quite frankly, hobbies help.

2. Better Friends
•One of the great effects of drug & alcohol addiction is the fact that it masks reality in such a comforting way that one could easily forget how cold it is outside. Inside, too, for that matter. For the most part, the snakes are in the grass, & the rats are on your couch. The faster you learn that, the easier life becomes. Those same leeches will be those same leeches whether Carlos makes adamant developments in his life or not. In the hood, we call those types of people “blood suckers,” or “vampires.” Everytime you see Charlie, he’s surrounded by these beings, as if they’re protecting their once & future king. Basically, it’s time for new friends, Chuck.

1. Lithium
•No, really, give this man a modest dose of lithium, & let him watch ‘Lithium’ if he behaves himself. However, prepare for his vicious self-destructive cycle to restart as soon as the video is done, just in case he has a thing for Kurt Cobain (rip). No pun intended yet.


2 comments on “‘Eight Things Charlie Sheen Needs Right Now’

  1. Mark Dub says:

    Yo…the need for better friends is the truest shit ever. When celebs get rich, it seems that they have NO. ONE. who is willing to tell them, “Hey…you’re fucking up! Put down that coke. That whore is no goddess. Don’t let her be around your twins.” When you attain the amount of wealth Sheen has, you should enable at least one of your weed-carriers to dispel some of your bullshit and keep it authentic with you.


  2. $yk says:



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