5 (More Realistic Versions) Of Your Favorite New Year Resolutions


Everybody wants to begin their year with a clean plate: fiscal, physical, & mental. But the funny thing about humans is that we set goals, make plans, & forecast the future according to unrealistic expectations. When things don’t go according to plan, we label it a failure, discard any possible lessons learned, & move on to the next item on the list. Failure, like most things, is subject to interpretation, though, & how you set up the approach plays a huge part in how you land, if you smell my cologne. A few words can change an impossible target into a tangible milestone, & it can start as early as replacing the word “resolution” with the word “goal.”

Nevertheless, good luck on your endeavors & resolutions & always remember to look both ways before you cross your ex.

5. Losing Weight
This resolution reeks of anarchy as soon as you fail to set a specific weight goal. It’s the main reason diets without set boundaries rarely work. Instead of resolving to rectify blindly, do a little research as to height:age size proportions, bookmark a numeric target, & don’t stop running until you reach the proverbial finish line. Goals are what keeps the players focused on the winning area. If it works for football & Cricket, why wouldn’t it work for arm jiggle & manboob?

4. Taking Time To Smell The Roses
Life is short. Real short. So stop looking over what you have to get a glimpse at what you want. (Actually, you have exactly what you want right now, because if not, you would be working harder to get it, no?) Enjoy what you have, no matter what it is. It shouldn’t take someone else’s being worse off for you to appreciate the blessings & graces, no matter how small they may be. Fuck smelling roses; plant an entire garden & see what happens.

3. Being A Nicer Person
The world is becoming colder & less compassionate by the generation. Saying that you intend to be a nicer person under those circumstances is like openly vowing to wear meat juice as a cologne every time you visit the zoo. On the contrary, I suggest that you intensify your defensive line & find (your particular) God if you need any new friends. Strengthen the bonds that are closest & build from there. If you choose to seek a long lost relative & donate an organ is ultimately your decision, but keep in mind; the Bible says that in “the last days,” men will become “lovers” of themselves. That’s a biblical selfishness that the average christian may not be able to combat alone. Or, if all else fails, remember the parable of the man & the snake & improvise where necessary.

2. Spending Time With Family
Blood relation is coincidence. & just because you’ve known someone since you were born doesn’t mean you owe them a shoulder to cry nor a dollar for beer. As meaningful & supportive as the right family can be, the wrong one can be equally as destructive & detrimental. Sure, you & *___* grew up together, but that was 15 years ago. *___* is now a hardened criminal with friends you can’t trust. While love is definitely thicker than water, I doubt it’s strong enough to repel stray slugs or beat court cases. Aside from grandparents, parents, & one’s kids, there’s nothing wrong with staying away from people that you have no business being around. Time is precious, & it would behoove you to carefully consider who you share yours with.

1. Saving Money
Saving money is one of life’s little optical illusions, like objects in the mirror appearing further away than they actually are. It’s a lot easier than people think. (The hard part is getting money.) Instead of telling yourself you’re going to “save,” make a conscience effort to not buy the things you don’t need. Whether it’s snacks, clothing, cocaine, or even prostitutes, a little bit of frugality – eventually – goes a long way. Does this mean cut out the activity altogether? Absolutely not. But for the sake of trying to achieve something, why not go as hard as you possibly can?


2 comments on “5 (More Realistic Versions) Of Your Favorite New Year Resolutions

  1. Renegade803 says:

    Can’t remember who said this but somebody told me “you get way more new seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks and even months to be waiting til the new year to try and change”


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