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Hip Hop Culture for Grown-Ups

The Truth About Man Caves

Before we get too in-depth, allow me to provide preemptive clarification.

This is about man caves, not bedrooms. If you still live with a parent or guardian, the room in which you live is your “bedroom,” not a man cave. Not that there’s anything wrong with still occupying a room in your parents house, but if you don’t have free range of the entire crib, to be shirt &/or pantless at the drop of a porn clip on your smartphone, then there’s no real need to procure a private area.

“Why?”

Because man caves are earned properties, like christmas bonus checks or sexually transmitted diseases.

Certain things must first be in motion, like independence & responsibility, before one is even qualified for a man cave. Because only after experience with such adulthood nuances as the aforementioned can a person truly appreciate the grown up world for what it really is. The man cave provides sanctuary from said world. Handing a man cave over to a young man who’s not quite reached manhood is like handing out Nobel Peace Prizes for Tumblr posts. (That may be a bit melodramatic, yet my point remains.)

But I digress.

For those who aren’t clear on the concept of the man cave, do not be fooled by television shows & well-to-do friends into thinking it has anything to do with a big screen TV or porn collection. The true man cave is based on solitude & isolation. It’s foundation has nothing to do with what’s in it; it’s all about what’s not in it. What’s not in it is stress. & confusion. A man cave should be devoid of any type of conflict. Also not included are other people, unless otherwise invited, because the sound of the human voice is the harbinger of stress in most instances. (My wife knocks before entering my man cave. & yes, this is her house, too.)

I’ve seen episodes of shows where men convert garages & dens into elaborate amusement parks, where the boy in them can play with toys without being disturbed. Usually, these dudes spend thousands of dollars to insulate themselves with electronic gadgetry, drugs, & liquor, but that’s when the essence of the man cave gets distorted. At that point, the man cave becomes just another room in the house that buzzes & whirs at all times if the day. Think of it like this: when family thinks you’re having fun without them, like an animal instinct, they’ll sniff you out & hunt you down. So, in theory, the more (fun) shit they suspect is in the man cave, the more they’ll want to intrude on your privacy. So, ask yourself, do you really want to give them extra incentive?

No, you don’t.

When going about the business of designing a man cave, I advise that Superman’s “Fortress of Solitude” be used as an archetype. Feel free to peruse the ‘nets for any visual or written descriptions of his lair, in case you have no idea what I’m talking about. Those who are familiar with Clark Kent’s other crib will remember that his cave – unlike Batman’s – had zero appliances, no electronic devices (unless you count magic crystals), & not one piece of furniture. It was a castle, hidden God knows where, made of ice. & to show that his man cave was in fact livable, he boned Lois Lane there – on a pile of fur & ice – in “Superman II.” I don’t condone sex in the man cave, but I don’t judge, either.

Not for nothing, but I’m not advising against having entertainment in your man cave. I’m just illustrating that the essence of the cave is in the solitude, not the pint of Hennessey, porn, & WiFi router. As long as those things are viewed as bonuses & not needs, all cave cogs should function properly.

Gentlemen, take pride in your man cave. For all intents & purposes, this is the most privacy you will get aside from the impending years of toilet time & eventually, your casket.

Happy trails!

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5 comments on “The Truth About Man Caves

  1. Mark Dub
    February 16, 2012

    I remember Al’s man cave on Married with Children. Dude needed that spot for a little peace from having to deal with his retarded family. One day, I too, shall have a man cave…outside of my porcelain throne.

    Like

  2. Tony Grands
    February 16, 2012

    It’s essential to father/husbandhood.

    Like

  3. mockingbirddontwrite
    February 16, 2012

    My husband and I have to share our extra room so we split it straight down the middle and never invade the other’s side. Plus, he gets full, uninterrupted use of the room when he gets home from work. He shuts the door and does whatever he wants and we don’t bug him or enter unless he invites us in. It makes for a very happy daddy and husband. I wish he had an entire room just for himself but maybe one day.

    Like

    • Tony Grands
      February 16, 2012

      Mockingbird:

      “It makes for a very happy daddy and husband.”

      ^
      Nine years in over here. I know how he feels… The little things make the big things bearable.

      & it sounds like your hubby already has a man cave. (Hours of operation are up for debate, lol)

      Glad you enjoyed the post.

      Like

      • mockingbirddontwrite
        February 16, 2012

        Sigh. The hours of operation kinda suck but we try to do things like set aside entire weekends where my daughter and I have “us” time and he gets the cave all to himself all weekend. It works for now. His ideal? A shed in the back converted into a livable space where he can woodwork, play Warhammer, and watch football. Hope we can give this to him.

        And yes. Loved the post. So much I sent it to him. He appreciated it. ❤

        Like

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This entry was posted on February 16, 2012 by in everyday is father's day, keeping it real, Man Toys, very funny mf and tagged , , , , , .

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