5 Places Grown Men Should Never Go Alone

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It’s hard being a man. (No pun intended.) In 2012, men – regardless of color – are viewed as predators in all types of situations. From war-mongering to boardroom takeovers, man has proven he aims to run the world, & that doesn’t always sit to well with the rest of the population.

Men where there should be none make people uncomfortable. & that’s understandable. After all, we’re hairy, aggressive, vulgar, immature simians. There’s also another side to manhood, but most people don’t get to see that.

To make life easier for the regular dudes & averages joes, we’ve compiled a brief list on 5 places grown men should never go alone. Pay attention, as the information could change your life…

5. Amusement Parks
Amusement parks are like regular parks, except with more people, bigger rides, random groups of huddled drug users, & stinker bathrooms. It’s a familial place that should be comfy & safe for it visitors. A single dad galavanting his troop through one is no big deal, yet a lone man, standing in lines for rides or purchasing cotton candy for himself is cause for a red flag. Perception is all that matters, & that’s the behavior of a predator, even if you are the sweetest guy at your office. Expect security to tail you until you leave, you creep.

4. The Library
For whatever reason, the library has always served as the requisite hub for the local homeless & child molesters populous, no matter the city. I have kids; I’ve spent tons of time in various libraries, on different days of the week. & of all my visits, though I’d been surrounded by butt cleft & cleavage, my focus was always on the dude who sat at the table, just chilling. Ain’t no “just chilling” in a public library, unless you’re looking for ways to meet Chris Hansen. Nowadays, tendencies like these may get you arrested. Or at the very least, sternly scolded by the mean-ass, not-so-archaic librarian.

3. Baby Showers
There’s a longstanding, unspoken rule that men don’t belong at baby showers. Being a father of three, however, I believe that belief to be ridiculousness. (Real) Fathers deserve just as much of a pat on the back as the Mothers, on all fronts, so I don’t agree that fellas should avoid their “own.” In fact, I say invite friends, buy lighthearted party favors, & make it a real celebration. If that can’t be achieved for whatever reason, then there’s no reason for any man to show up alone. A dude telling you about his babymomma’s baby shower isn’t an invitation to slide through & harass the lonely chicks. Why? Because as soon as you enter the door by yourself, the ladies will be side-eyeing you, either thinking you’re gay or a pervert. (Or a healthy combination of the two, which may actually work out to your advantage depending on how you get down in private. I don’t know you like that.)

2. Underwear Shopping For Your Daughter
This is simple. If you don’t have kids or grandkids, there’s no reason for a man to be purchasing these items. But for what it’s worth, it’s not like fathers & granddads have a special smell or official uniform they where in public. It’s still a precarious situation nonetheless. My advice: go with a lady. Or send a lady. Or the most reliable option, take her – your daughter – with you. Otherwise, prepare for whispers & finger-pointing. Depending on the neighborhood, you may even have to answer a few from the local authorities.

1. A Tyler Perry Movie
Until Tyler Perry starts making movies about Black people falling in love with aliens in outer space (or something loosely to that effect), there’s no reason for a man to ever be sitting alone in the theater for a Tyler Perry film. If you’re alone in a TP movie, your date better be in the bathroom or buying you more nachos. & don’t be surprised if you see me hanging around to make sure you’re not alone, especially since I’ll be patiently waiting for my wife to return with my nachos. (See what I did there?)

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5 comments on “5 Places Grown Men Should Never Go Alone

  1. realnagan says:

    Funny shit and true. I would also add public toilets to the list. Mainly because of experience. My nephew and neices are mostly mixed race, so as a white dude, having an outing with the young uns and hearing the dreaded “I gotta pee, Uncle!!” can be awkward.

    My brother in law is a super dark skinned African, so his kids are fairly dark with the african hair and all. And yeah i have had the cops called on me before and had to call my brother in law in to back my claim. Super white guy having a family outing with his fam, the cops thought my saying i am their Uncle was code for “Uncle” the creepy random dude type

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  2. SHOTS FIRED!!! Fuck Tyler Perry by the way. I’m with you on the underwear shopping. But I frequent the library alone on the regular, not a problem. As for the amusement park, I’on think ANYBODY should go alone. You just look lonely or lost as fuck depending or your age. Good shit.

    Commission!!!

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  3. markdub7 says:

    I never thought about this in such a way, and you’re right; any guy I saw alone doing any of those things would seem creepy, except for the library…I know cats who frequent them alone often and who aren’t pedophillic in the least.

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  4. Tony Grands says:

    Libraries are questionable, but I too spent a bit of time in one for awhile. So that’s a toss up, I guess…

    Or people thought I was a skeevie ass dude all that time.

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  5. Capital G says:

    I’ve sat through two Tyler Perry movies, one had Kathy Bates and the other one had a white guy with red hair, something about business men cheating blah blah blah. Both of these were viewed in different Planned Parenthood waiting rooms, but that’s my sordid history and I don’t come here to be judged.

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