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5 Ways To Exorcise Unwanted Friends

Friends. How many of us have them? Friends. One’s we can depend on. ~ Whodini, “Friends”

Friends are the interesting collection of human beings (& pets) we keep around us for various personal purposes. We start collecting them around the preschool age, & generally don’t stop until marriage. “Why at marriage,” you ask? Because when you get married, by biblical default, your spouse takes the place of all your friends. Or at least they should. If they don’t, you probably shouldn’t have gotten married or you picked the wrong one, but you’ll find that out soon enough.

Friends are the catch-22 of life, because one literally needs them to survive, yet they can be the worst thing to ever happen to you, depending on how observant you are. A friend can squeeze your hand to pull you from danger just as swiftly as they can yank it & lead you into the proverbial fire. More importantly, though, a wise person knows not only how to pick a good friend, but also when to let an unnecessary one “go,” so to speak.

Friendships, much like romantic relationships, take work & effort & commitment. If those things no longer exist mutually, neither does the friendship. Unfortunately, when some friendships spoil, the spoiler is unaware that it’s over. Oddly enough, they truly never get a clue because there’s no actual way to break up with a friend. Thusly, most of us end up with one to two “friends” who – even though we stopped hanging out with them long ago – refuse to see the obvious. The friendship has expired.

In some ways, unclinging a hanger-on is more painful than a legitimate break-up, simply because there’s never a reason it should have to happen in the first place. Seriously, I’m well aware when someone doesn’t want me around. It wouldn’t even become an issue of unreturned phone calls & what not. All I need to do is look in someone’s eyes – the supposed window(s) to the soul – to know whether I’m welcomed or not. In fact, I sorta pride myself on knowing who can “take or leave” me. Don’t you?

For those of you with this problem, allow R&WIFDP to help with our 5 ways to exorcise an unwanted friend.

5. Hook Them Up With A Cousin
If you’ve ever hooked a “homie” up with a cousin, you know exactly what I’m talking about. The cousin knows you, & in most instances has been there whilst you did whatever you did that they don’t want you exposing their lover to. Consider this a silent kidnapping, like an alien abduction, with sex with one of your relatives as a bonus for you departed “friend.” That way, you won’t feel bad for being such a sneaky, underhanded bastard.

4. Ask Them To Help You Do Manual Labor
By general rule, most friends are lazy freeloaders. I have friends who have routinely come to my house, on an invisible schedule, but the day I need them to help me clean something or move an object, they vanish. It’s almost magical. Tell a cat that you’ll need him Saturday, & by sheer coincidence, that’s the Saturday that their imaginary aunt’s non-existent kids need a babysitter (as if someone would be na├»ve enough to leave them alone with their children). For added effect, pick something really arduous & mention that you can’t pay them anything.

3. Confess Deep Feelings For Their Mother
Not much in life is creepier than your buddy openly & honestly admitting to wanting to have sexual relations with your mother. & the last thing anybody wants is their pal drooling over the glorious lady who gave them life. After a few weeks of constant lovesick badgering, a rift should start to form, especially if she’s still with her husband. Caution: There’s a slight chance that this may get you punched in the face, but without risk, there is no gain.

2. Give Unfiltered, Unsolicited Advice
The truth hurts. In small dosages, it’s like being stung by a bee every now & then. In other words, it’s not so much that it can’t be ignored. In larger, unfiltered doses, though, it can be just the motivation needed to inspire someone get the hell away from you. It’s the same theory that’s behind your mother’s passive aggressive Q&A sessions that leave you feeling like you didn’t achieve much in life. Only people who willingly abuse themselves will stick around for that type of treatment.

1. Loan Them Money
I’m not a borrower or a loaner. If I really need or want something & I can’t get it by my own volition, I go without until. & I don’t loan, I give. With that said, in my experiences, people are usually pretty good at returning things. Money is the exception of all rules, though, & as soon as someone says “Can I hold,” “Do you got,” or “I need a favor,” money becomes repellent, creating a buffer zone between loaner & payee. In most instances, this isn’t a postitve thing, because there’s nothing worse than losing a friendship over $35. In the particular situation, it works great, & the larger the denomination, the greater the chances that this person will stay away. If he needs $5, give him $20. If he needs $20, give him $100. For extreme cases, give him the money, give him a deadline, & tell him that on the day that you need your cash back, you’ll also need some help rearranging all the furniture in the house.

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6 comments on “5 Ways To Exorcise Unwanted Friends

  1. Capital G
    May 1, 2012

    Wow…. Realest shit I’ve read in a minute. Truth hurts is so on point it’s disgusting. Anyone close to me knows I won’t edit my thoughts to save their feelings. Don’t want to be called stupid? Don’t do stupid shit. And the money issue is official. Damn near everyone I know with the exception of the wifey, owes me money. I get paid back in excuses and dazzled with bullshit as opposed to handed some greenbacks with a simple “thank you”. I swear the general concensus is “he got it” so it’s alright for me to save the day constantly instead of “them” going out and getting it for themselves.

    Fuck the general public.

    Like

    • Tony Grands
      May 1, 2012

      “Dazzled with bullshit” Lmaooooooo

      “Nah, I don’t have the money yet, but TA-DA!” *waves hands* “I gotta little weed to blow witchu, doe.”

      I never knew how to put that song & dance into words…

      Like

      • Capital G
        May 1, 2012

        Lol. It’s more like “TA-DA!” extends empty hand, “Let me get a little smoke while I waste your time”.

        I don’t have friends, I have parasites.

        You don’t know how to do the song and dance because you have a pair and act accordingly.

        Like

  2. realnagan
    May 2, 2012

    4, 2 and 1 I’ve used personally. Plenty of “strays” in my neck of the woods. It’s pretty amusing to watch them try and duck and weave when you see them up the street though. That eye contact moment when they pretend they don’t see you is killer. Sorts the wheat from the chaff at least lol

    Like

  3. markdub7
    May 2, 2012

    I’ve used 4, 2, and 1 as well. Grands STAY on point!

    Like

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This entry was posted on May 1, 2012 by in how to, keeping it real, Lists Of Fives, very funny mf and tagged , , .

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