Every Day They’re Hustling: 5 Real Occupations That Technology Can Never Replace


Words by Tony Grands

Welcome to the future.

In the future, you’ll make friends through a computer & have your mailbox broken into at least once a year.

Also in the future, scores of people are losing their jobs & livelihoods to technological advancements. Advancements that we may need to survive, but at the same time are proving to be more humanitarian detriment than people-istic asset. In other words, every smartphone with a GPS locator is another reason why some 411 operator should to start looking for another job. It’s like how Netflix.com killed Blockbuster the brick & mortar empire. But I’m sure you get the point.

Society’s need for human input & output becomes less & less necessary as time passes, thanks to technology. Science’s continual push for man-made evolution is creating a world where most things will eventually be augmented, artificial, & simulated. Things that once seemed mandatory will become obsolete, & the transition will start with two industries: the military & the work force.

Jobs cost corporations money. Paychecks, benefits, supplies, buildings, food, toilet paper, you name it & a corporation can find a way to include it in their fiscal budget. Let the smartphone’s terrifyingly rapid enhancements serve as an indicator to the cyberspace oasis that awaits us.

Even through all the dystopian muck & mire that may or may not be as bad as I want it to be, some jobs will continue to thrive, unscathed, into the proverbial sunset of tomorrow. They are jobs that no machine, now matter how savvy or cybernetic, will ever do as well as the human(s) who invented it.

Let’s take a look at five of them, shall we?

Mall Santa
This isn’t necessarily an occupation. This is more like a tradition. Some men live “normal” lives all year just to become Santa Claus for two months, bringing joy & happiness to rich kids all throughout the land. See, Mall Santa is a timeless part of most children’s’ lives, at least once. He represents a window of innocence that – these days especially – doesn’t last very long.

Imagine a robot beckoning you, a 6 year old, to it’s lap. “Ho, ho, ho” my ass, so to speak.

We’ve all been inside a Home Depot recently, right? You’ve seen, if not used the automated systems designed for you to avoid the cashiers with malfunctioning hard drives & salty dispositions get in & out of the store as quickly & conveniently as possible. I’ve used these machines & you know what? I’d rather deal with malfunctioning cash register workers than learning a computer program on the fly. But maybe that’s just me. (I doubt it, though.)

As much as I hate to admit it, the popping of stale gum & the smacking of overly-glossed lips are a part of the shopping experience. & always will be, unless the Republican party buys Google or SIRI runs for president. Otherwise, there will always be some busty, attitude having young girl (or flamboyant, old gay dude) available to not answer your simple questions & give you the wrong change.

Bartenders are the cream of the social drinking, party animal’s crop. Especially the ones with cleavage. Not only does the bartender have access to the booze (which is all anybody really wants, right?) but they make decent listeners, sometimes offer advice, or have great connections on the outside. Most importantly, bartenders (should) possess the ability to tell a drunk dude that he’s too drunk, deny him a drink, & call him a ride home. It takes a certain amount of human instinct to know when a person’s approaching an alcohol poisoning.

The bartender’s calming placebo effect on the public is what sells the alcohol, & any good bar/club/restaurant owner knows that. The smart owners hire young mixologists fresh out of school, & this revamp of the bartender trade has ensured a lucrative future in manufacturing alcoholics for a living.

Granted, some android can mix & flip cocktails with concise, mathematic perfection, but in a bar, there’s no room to do things the right way. Laughing at other people is one of alcohol’s hidden bonuses. & I’ve never seen a funny robot. (R2D2 notwithstanding.)

Drug Dealer
The government can legalize every drug known to mankind & some nickel slick, top button buttoned-ass ninja who refuses to be a productive citizen will still get the hook up & try to make a few bucks from the next man’s gains. That “Robin Hood” mentality will always exist, even when dudes are selling fingerprint replica gloves & retina scan-proof contact lenses from the trunk of their space cruiser(s).

Part of what makes a drug dealer a drug dealer is the need to feel important & a lust for monies. A) There’s no shortage of those type of people on this corrupt, corroded planet, & B) only a mad scientist would create an egotistical, materialistic computer brain. Therefore, much like the mighty, invincible cockroach, drug dealers will be here long after the rest of us have been destroyed by global warming or killed by baby bottle-induced cancer.

Word to Faison “Big Worm, 4Genie” Love.

Prostitution is the oldest profession for a reason. Literally, & with all due respect to those that deserve it, the reason is that vagina is the most sought after commodity ever to grace the earth. Men have fought wars & died over it, stole for it, hell, stole it, so there should be no possible way to deny it’s power.

Some women understand this, empower theirs (for whatever reason), & rent it out for an hourly fee. This is something no robot can ever do, based on the fact that the manipulation needed for a pimp to mold a properly trained streetwalker is useless on a machine that reads & speaks binary codes. & also, you can’t intimidate something that doesn’t experience the “fight ot flight” response. & while a rigorous porn clip & a Fleshlight would do the trick for at least 75% of the men reading this, real ‘tang is better than digi-‘tang any day of the Christian calendar.

Just like I don’t think cats are ready for a chick with three boobs, I don’t think they’re ready for robot hookers, either.

Words by Tony Grands


10 comments on “Every Day They’re Hustling: 5 Real Occupations That Technology Can Never Replace

  1. realnagan says:

    tech will probably replace all eventually. a robo-hooker with hundreds of vibration/suction features will do well eventually lol. but yeah on the cashier front, i don’t mess with the auto checkouts, i figure i’m keeping a cashier in a job by refusing to use em


  2. markdub7 says:

    This list is BANANAS! The funniest thing is that you really have some very valid points to your arguments. Bravo, sir! *slow claps*


  3. #5 reminded me of a great commercial


  4. Krissy says:

    smh@ this list! lmao


  5. jason says:

    You missed one, contract killer. I will not trust deadly revenge to a robot.


  6. I rarely create remarks, but i did some searching and wound up here
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    for you if it’s allright. Is it simply me or does it give the impression like some of the
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    😛 And, if you are posting on other online social sites, I would like to follow everything new you have to post.
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