5 Super Powers You (Probably) Wouldn’t Want To Have In Real Life


Words by Tony Grands

When I was a kid, I’d sit for hours & fantasize about having super powers. Not a specific one, but rather any combination of three or four that would make me a god among average elementary school kids.

Every man (& some confused little girls) goes through this stage, & it doesn’t quite fade until maturity sets in. Because when maturity sets in, most boys find out that they don’t need special abilities, all they need to really feel powerful is ‘tang or hand lotion.

Even though we become adults, most men still find time to pretend – via video games, comic books, or movies – to have some type of unnatural skill set that would make us superior to most people. Realistically speaking, though, none of us truly wants the ample responsibilities of having super powers. As soon as word got out that we could leap tall building or travel faster than a locomotive, relatives & moochers & leeches will be knocking on the door for a super favor or worse; trying to convince you to be a super villian instead. But you probably saw that coming with your telescopic vision, huh?

If you woke up today with super powers, what would you do? More important, however, are the unspoken dangers of such a weighty condition. So without further ado, here are five super powers you (probably) wouldn’t want to have in real life…

Heightened Hearing
Being a regular person with heightened hearing means that the world’s volume has been turned up but you’re the only one that can hear it. The problem begins when you can’t filter out noises, isolate specific sounds, or determine how far or exactly where you are listening. There’s no point in being able to eavesdrop on a conversation between hot lesbian chicks if the fly in the room keeps buzzing over the words.

Super Speed
With moving at super speed, you’d never have to worry about a traffic jam or a detour. Even travel over great distances could be as simple as packing a bag & running away. But super speed without some sort of navigational device (like a bat’s radar) or advanced vision (like a bird’s) can become suicidal quickly. A pebble in the road can spell doom to a man sprinting 300 miles per hour. In fact, any foreign object poses danger when moving faster than God wanted us to.

The ability to not be seen is probably one of the most desirable powers ever. The possibilities are endless, from peeking at chubby ladies in bathroom stalls to stealing government secrets. What you can’t do, though, is steal things or break into areas that use heat vision, infrared light, or motion-sensitive burglar systems. & invisibility wouldn’t cloak smells or noises, either. Think you’re going to sneak past a guard dog just because no one can see your ass cheeks? Think again, Hawley Griffin.

Power Of Flight
Flight, the state of controlled weightlessness, allows for one to fly. Cartoons & movies make it look to be nothing more than aiming your nose in a cardinal direction & following it. Sure, in an imaginary world, there’s no conceivable danger, but what’s to stop you from traveling up into the stratosphere, losing consciousness, blacking out, & free-falling to your doom? & what about electrical wires, airplanes, drones, winds speeds, etc. Not to mention that – in 2012 – a foreign blip on a radar can easily become target practice for the Air Force (or your country’s equivalent of the Air Force). I believe they call it a “bogie.” Watch your six.

I doubt that anyone looks forward to dying, but I’d imagine that after 75 years of dealing with secular bullshit the opportunity for infinite slumber probably seems mighty attractive. During a lifetime, humans amass bills, junk, credit issues, health problems, unwanted families, the list is virtually endless. Death, to many people, is the only eventual escape from their earthly problems. Of course living forever sounds good at first, but when ALL of your family & friends die off, & you’re babysitting your great-great-great grandson, you’ll more than likely change your tune. Have you ever heard the phrase “Life is too short?” If so, I bet you didn’t hear a vampire say it.

Words by Tony Grands


5 comments on “5 Super Powers You (Probably) Wouldn’t Want To Have In Real Life

  1. realnagan says:

    lol my old arse still gets into these kinda debates amongst geeks (i’m one btw) and ya basically nailed it. My responses are pretty much what’s on this list lol, but more articulate


  2. markdub7 says:

    This reminds me of the show Alphas. Those cats all have powers but some of them can’t turn the shit off w/o extreme focus, & it can torture them. Great list. The fanboy in me ROFFLE MAYO’D!


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