Legalize It, Or Whatever: 5 Signs That You Might Be A Pot Head


Words by Tony Grands

Weed smoking is a cultural ritual. Once some sort of taboo, it’s now what people do, all the time, everywhere, like it’s not attached to any type of laws or stipulation.Seriously, when I was a young(er) man, I never would’ve imagined that one day, there would be convenience stores that sold assorted flavors of superweed in neighborhoods from Compton to Beverly Hills & all the cities & subsets in between.

Casually smoking weed in public is now the societal equivelent to dangerously using your cell smartphone while operating a motor vehicle.

Some blame Hip Hop, others blame Ronald Reagan, but no matter who you’re influenced by, it seems that weed is the new cigarette. With it’s reborn popularity & regained footing, consumers (yeah, I said “consumers”) are getting younger, & with today’s weed being chemically & electronically modified & enhanced, it’s easy to see how a “kid” could become addicted to the surreal illusionist world that every crisp, mint-flavored joint creates for him as it smolders. (Some of you are salivating at the imagery right now. I see you.)

Over the years, I see a lot of cats I attended school with, & the bulk of them are strung-out on weed. They’ve allowed it to become a “real” drug, creating believable dependencies to a substance that has no addictive elements. Unlike other drugs that agitate parts of the brain & create an immediate need, weed doesn’t biophysically attach itself to you to that degree. A casual smoker becomes a pot head when they have allowed themselves to become mentally hinged on the effects of the weed. All science-y blather aside, these people are certified pot heads, & if you don’t know any personally, there’s a pretty good chance you may be him.

Avoid the purple, dry, jagged lips that look like dying mill worms by using Chapstick. Contrary to popular belief, it’s nothing like lip gloss. & the consistently reddish-glazed eyeballs that seem partly jaundice & in need of a wash & wax can be completely spin-juked with a pocket-sized bottle of Visine. I hope that helped.

With all that out of the way, feel free to compare your life to these 5 signs that you may be a true pot head.

5. You Have More Than Three Connections
The average weed smoker has three connections: his regular guy, a relative who “hustles,” & a person within walking distance (& walking distance is usually only holding substandard smoke, but real pot heads can overlook certain things if the need arises.) If you venture outside this holy trinity of drug pushers, for whatever reason, it can only mean that you might have a slight problem (or it’s a drought in your community). If all else fails, & no contact can be – um – contacted, a true pot head will smoke some regular weed (every neighborhood has the “shady sack spot”) & afterwards, try & pretend it didn’t happen. That’s called “shame,” & embarrassment too, but mostly shame.

4. Weed Is More Important Than Food
Weed & “the munchies” are synonymous, but not necessarily symbiotic. By that I mean that if a pot head has ten bucks & the option to buy either weed or food, after a few moments of fake contemplation, he will choose the mary jane over the meal. This is largely due to the fact that superweed also possesses the power to make any food (that’s not disgusting) snack worthy. With the right strand of store-bought superweed, there’s no functional difference between a Jumbo Jack & a peanut butter sandwich. Casual smokers think with their guts. Pot heads don’t think, they smoke, & solve any nagging problems while they’re high.

3. Withdrawal
When the casual smoker has no weed, it makes no difference. He can gladly bounce through his day without a (cannabis related) care in the world. When he does eventually light up that precious candle, he’ll savor his high, & look forward to the next one, whenever that may be. A pot head, on the other hand, needs weed to enjoy all facets of his day (& night). He has convinced himself that a hole exists & the only thing that can ever cork it is an eight of loud marijuana. He will postpone activities to get to his funky flower if need be, no matter who it affects. Until then, he can & will be an uberdouchebag, looking for conflict & argument. A true, professional, dedicated pot head knows this ahead of time & prepares accordingly by never totally running out of medication.

2. You Know About The Residue
If you tell the casual smoker that they can scrape residue from pipes & bongs & achieve a mild buzz, they’ll say they don’t own either device. If you tell a pot head that, he may become offended that you didn’t naturally assume he had a black nugget drying off at this very moment. Pot heads know that one of the most important times of the day is the wait between calling your guy & him pulling up. For those moments of weary smokelessness, the residue gathered inside the instrument makes for a decent hold over. Not only is it a chance to clean what hasn’t been cleaned since you dropped it behind the washing machine, but residue blaze is an awesome bonus, like “second drink.”

1. You’re High Right Now
& have been all day.

Words by Tony Grands


6 comments on “Legalize It, Or Whatever: 5 Signs That You Might Be A Pot Head

  1. markdub7 says:

    No. 1? Guilty as charged! Nah…seriously, there are people that chief the herb, and it has no elephants (ill effects….damn autocorrect) for them. In fact, it seems to makes them even more productive. Then there are others‚Ķ Many who smoke and then are unable to function or do anything productive for the rest of the day. Those are the people I consider potheads.


    • Phlip says:

      Extra points if you know someone who is somehow both at one time.
      Unable to focus or do shit UNTIL they have smoked, but then unable to do anything without fucking it up AFTER smoking. They usually find everything funny, no matter how unfunny, and are generally irritating to be around sober or high.


      • markdub7 says:

        M Dub for the score! You just described my ex-roomie. What’s bad she didn’t know just how badly she effed things whenever she was twistied.


  2. Capital G says:

    Does any of this count if you ARE the weedman? Figured some of this had to be work related. Personally, I like to put it in the air at the end of the day, not while there’s shit to be attended to but maybe that’s just old age settling in.


  3. DV says:

    Former functional pothead checking in (been clean for over a year). Wanted to bring light to the “Frankenstein” which i a joint/blunt (people still smokin blunts?) made up of broken down roaches that was “collected” for when you run out of weed and cant get to the weedman at the moment.


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