Hell Hath No Fury: 5 Ways To End Your Summer Fling Without Getting Stabbed (Or Worse)


Words by Tony Grands

In my experience, woman generally do the “breaking up” in the relationship. It’s very rare for me to come across a guy & he tells me that he’s the one that broke up with his girlfriend/fiancé/wife. In fact, the break-up is usually because he got caught trying to be a player, & was subsequently dejected from his place of comfort.

The show “Cheaters” is based solely around this premise & although it’s occasionally a man who is the client, it’s almost always the woman willing to go the extra mile. Nonetheless, it’s an unwritten rule that men don’t break up because we feel like the more ‘tang, the better.

As summer comes to an end, you may find yourself on the handle-end of a summer fling that, for seasonal reasons, must now come to an end. Keeping in mind that no one likes rejection, the truth (which is probably something that’s better left unsaid) may need to be colorfully decorated as to avoid the wrath of a crazy person, because remember, no one likes rejection. Especially during a heat wave.

So, in an attempt to keep you safe during these times of pre-cuffing season, here are five ways to end your summer fling without getting stabbed (or worse).

Good luck & God speed.

5. Feelings For Your Ex
In most instances, admitting that someone still has a hold on your heart is a deal-breaker. Especially in situations when you don’t know the other person that well. For the summer fling – which according to you, has come to an end – it can be a simple case of you not getting over your last love, & to stick around would be unfair to them & you, too. As long as you convey the feeling that you’re being honest & admit that you belong to someone else, there shouldn’t be any need for screaming, crying, & stab wounds.

4. “Personal Time”
Men’s emotions don’t get enough credit. We’re taught at an early age to suck that shit up like a man, even though at that time we are clearly little babes trying to figure things out. This faux rough exterior is a stigma we carry with us into adulthood, but how often – post toddler years – do you get to use your feelings to your advantage? A request for personal time, or space, is one that cant logically be ignored, & now’s the time to use words & phrases like “vulnerable,””confused,” & “find myself.”

3. Imaginary Pregnancy
This works great for both men & women, no matter the sexual preference. By that I mean a woman can say she’s pregnant or a man can claim to have impregnated another chick & the same results should occur. “Pregnancy” is one of the magic power words that can change everything once uttered. It’s like saying “Candyman” five times in the mirror, but instead of a man showing up out of nowhere with a hook, the closest person to you is suddenly putting distance between themselves & that word. [Tony’s Note: If they don’t run, see #5 & you are on your own after that.] It’ll help if you use an unexpected character for the pregnancy like a stripper or 3rd cousin. That’s the same “shock & awe” tactic that George Bush used to keep the enemy off balance.

2. Jail Time
As long as you’re in a position to go incommunicado for a few months, a trip to jail is the perfect excuse to leisurely fall back into relationship obscurity. If you act ashamed & refuse to discuss the alleged, alleged crime, the mysterious atmosphere created can further serve as a buffer zone for when you don’t contact her/him down the road.

1. You Just Found Out You Were Gay
This kind of speaks for itself.

Words by Tony Grands


9 comments on “Hell Hath No Fury: 5 Ways To End Your Summer Fling Without Getting Stabbed (Or Worse)

  1. markdub7 says:

    Man…I tell my nephew to avoid making any commitments with his mouth that his heart ain’t in so that he can avoid getting stabbed. I’mma let him check this list.


  2. Phlip says:

    In response to the image that began this post, I would have a hard time WANTING to break off a summer fling with Jordan Carver.
    … if she liked men.


  3. This is good advice…gotta make her feel like she’s making the decision to end it. Because you WILL get stabbed…if not you then your tires or other expensive possessions. Not that I know from experience…


    • markdub7 says:

      My man-slore homie used to be my roomie. He would stunt in my old TransAm like it was his. I walked outside one day to one of his chicks knifing to tires to my whip b/c of his callousness.


  4. DV says:

    I just read this today and I used #4 a couple of days ago along with the M.I.A. trick for the first time. I didnt know if that 3 straight days of no communication would make her want to break it off with me. Reverse psychology is the shit (when its to your advantage)


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