In Honor of Cuffing Season: 5 Characteristics You’ll Eventually Need In A Woman

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Words by Tony Grands

Let’s be realistic here; you’re getting older. In fact, you’re older now than you were before you opened this page. Once this is recognized & admitted is the sooner you will accept the world as it is.As the clock ticks & calendars get replaced, the youthful zest in you that wants to change society & blaze trails begins to mellow out. The thrill of the proverbial hunt-whatever the prize may be-is slowly, but for surely replaced by not wanting to wait for things & the constant, nagging desire to not have to deal with other people. This part is called being an adult. There’s no specific age that it happens, but when it happens, you’ll know. You’ll have that grown-up feeling at all times, as opposed to times when you just felt “grown” (like the day you got your drivers license or the time you took that chick to the abortion clinic).

As you grow, by design, you’re supposed to find a partner, pair off, & start reproducing (in the order). This theory is not only challenged by unconventional society, but outright defied in many instances. Apparently unbeknownst to many, this may be is one of the major contributing factors in the collapse of the traditional familial unit, a collapse that can be attributed to numerous social degradations, but we’ll leave that for another session…

People will argue various points on why humans aren’t meant to be coupled-up (mainly because today is more Sodom & Gomorrah than Noah’s Ark), but eventually, whether they realize it or not, everyone ends up with someone. What type of miserable douchebag would prefer their last years to be spent wallowing in loneliness & solitude just because they don’t want to give up their freedom? Incidentally, how much freedom will you have when you can’t do things for yourself, yet have not a spouse or an offspring to help? It can get pretty sad, relatively quickly, & if for that reason alone, we all need somebody.

It’s better to start shopping around now rather than later because growing older with a teammate trumps the irony of finally making a love connection as you mosey up to the brink of expiration, if that makes any sense.

& while having a “cool understanding” with [all of] your child[ren]’s mother[s] is definitely worth some praise, a loving, self-sustaining, long term relationship with one person is even more fulfilling. Now, perhaps you don’t know how to think outside the box (see what I did there?). In that case, allow R&WIFDP to help you get started with these five characteristics you’ll eventually need an a woman.

Support
Most dudes are just grown boys with bills, body hair, & substance abuse problems. Even those of us who seem to be prioritized can’t shake our inner-kid, be it chasing phantom pipe dreams or not cleaning up after ourselves. The woman who’s going to be there will need to have a support system mechanism similar to your mom’s or grandmother’s, because that’s what we are used to & to fight against that natural spark would be ridiculous. It’s equally as important to find a chick that believes in you. A woman who doesn’t believe in your dreams will eventually be in your nightmares, & you can quote me on that. Nonetheless, most men respond to these feelings with reciprocity-if done correctly-even if they have no idea what’s happening to them, kind of like Pavlov’s dog.

Maternal Instincts
First, let’s pretend that having a baby isn’t the new “I want you to wear my varsity jacket.” Kids are as much a part of life as hemmoroids & bladder infections. At some point, regardless of attempts at avoidance, you’ll probably be face to face with one that’s yours. Hopefully, the birth will be the product of a beautiful union of love, as it should be, instead of the reason for the next episode of The Jeremy Kyle Show. & with that said, all women aren’t “mommy” material, just like a sperm donor is a different animal than a father. The maternal instinct seems to kick in around puberty, & by the time a girl becomes a full-fledged woman, it’s obvious if she’ll make a good mom. If she’s never asked to babysit by any random family members, take that as a red flag, & continue at you own risk. But, if her nieces love her & she has a gaggle of god-kids, consider yourself winning.

Common Ground
Something that’s often overlooked is what may entertain the woman. Men are the alpha human, & before we worry about what she watches or listens to, we want to know where the remote control(s) is to find what we like to watch & listen to. But if you observe carefully, you may find out that her core values don’t particularly line up with yours. While you may enjoy a game of chess over a nice joint, she may prefer flagrant Gucci Mane marathons while she binges on 40 ounce bottles & Black & Mild cigars. (It’s hard to see such a thing whilst focused purely on butt cheeks & self gratification.) If she likes romantic movies & R&B, for example, it’s best to find out now before you come over for a date with a couple of pornos & a burned compact disc of Too $hort’s Greatest Hits. I believe old people call that being unevenly yoked.

Trust
In case you didn’t already know, the first time a chick goes into your bathroom, she goes through your medicine cabinet. That’s not necessarily an indicator to her level of paranoia curiosity (because it varies, depending on the amount of baggage), I’m just blowing the whistle, so to speak. Aside from that automatic pry into your background, don’t be surprised at glances across rooms or at random objects that happen to be out in plain view. The real test is when you leave you phone unlocked or *air quotes* forget to log out of your favorite social media page in a rush to go whiz. Or leave your wallet out, but inside, have a note that says “Gotcha” or something to that effect, to let her know you know the game. If she doesn’t respect your space now, she never will. If you give her more reason to be extra insecure, I can’t help you with that. You’re on your own.

Crew Love
This is perhaps the most telling spectacle to be had. A woman who is valued by & values her family is one who will do the same for any person she considers to also be family. It goes without saying that the person that gets granted access to the ‘tang regularly is also under that umbrella. A woman who has rocky relationships with a lot of blood relatives means that there may be something brewing deep inside, where your peen can’t even find it. There’s always the chance that the family is just screwed up all the way across the board, but that always reveals itself sooner than later, if you look. Nevertheless, treat family functions like episodes of National Geographic. Eyes & ears open.

Happy hunting. See you at the finish line.

Words by Tony Grands
@TheTonyGrands

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One comment on “In Honor of Cuffing Season: 5 Characteristics You’ll Eventually Need In A Woman

  1. Maegan Hopes says:

    Some people are more likely than others to get bladder infections. Women tend to get them more often than men due to their urethra being shorter and closer to the anus. Among the women most likely to get bladder infections are women who are pregnant, going through menopause and using a diaphragm for birth control. Men who have prostate inflammation or enlargement will also be more likely to have bladder infections. Risk factors that apply to both men and women are; kidney stones, sexual intercourse with multiple partners, narrowed urethra, immobility such as recovering from hip fracture, not drinking enough fluids, bowel incontinence and catheterization. Elderly people and people with diabetes are also at higher risk of bladder infections.”

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