Men’s Room Etiquette For Beginners


Words by Phlip

I take a break at work at 9:30am every day to go to an inconspicuous location to use the Tumblr app on my phone, use the bathroom, and refill my water.Passing the women’s’ bathroom I could clearly hear boisterous laughter even before the door opened.  When it did open, someone I knew came out and she looked at me and says “man… the conversations you hear in the ladies restroom.” My response was “yeah, there IS no conversation in the men’s bathroom,” and we both chuckled as I continued on to my daily break. It was then that I noticed how few women might know the rules of the men’s room…

Well, worry not, ladies (and gentlemen who grew up without their dad and therefore do not know better), I am here to discuss the rules of the men’s room.
There is no need to speak
The customary head nod to let someone know you’re acknowledging having seen them is all you need.  Even if there is something you need to say to that person in particular, it can wait until you’re in a more appropriate environment.  Even if it is about last night’s sporting event, it can wait.

There is no need to make eye contact
Like stated above… Sustained eye contact is not necessary, make them aware you saw them and handle what you came in there for.  Continued eye contact in this arena is creepy and uncomfortable.  No one wants to be “that guy,” now do they?

It is wholly acceptable to snicker at an especially flatulent moment
Sometimes you have to take a sit-down and you’re not the only one.  First of all, the handicapped stall is a luxury suite with more space and handles to more easily get yourself up, so the first person in the bathroom has dibs, even if they’re not handicapable themselves.  Now, once there and if someone else takes another stall, the rules of immature manhood will take over and it is wholly acceptable to laugh at someone’s toot. We’re men, we’re immature as shit (pun intended) and we know it.

Never use adjacent urinals
If you don’t HAVE to be at the very next urinal, then DON’T.  The only time you should have to be is if every other one is occupied, and yes it is more than acceptable to stand and pass water in a stall to avoid violating this.  The ONLY exception to this is the trough they expect you to pee in at football games.

Be about your business and get in and out
It’s a bathroom, not a conference room.  In fact, there is nothing terribly inviting about the room at all, not even the luxury suite handicapped stall.  Combining all the above-described rules of engagement in the men’s room should let you know that the order of the day is to get in and get the hell out.  There is literally nothing you should have to do in a bathroom that is not in your own home that should take more than 6 minutes, and that includes one minute of hand washing, you nasty bastard.
Words by Phlip


7 comments on “Men’s Room Etiquette For Beginners

  1. Pierzy says:

    At the urinal, pick a spot on the wall directly in front of you and stare at it.


  2. I want to print this and post it outside the bathroom door at work so bad.


  3. Ace Vigor says:

    Things you never want to hear in the men’s room: Hey buddy, need a hand?


  4. markdub7 says:

    Please come lecture at my job, b/c those muthas always try to converse when you’re on the shitter. Dude…I’m trying to move mountains; I have no time for petty office banter.


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