Hip Hop Culture for Grown-Ups
Words by Tony Grands
Have you ever tried to get close to a chick on an intimate level, only to be snuffed out & rejected?& it’s not just your average, ordinary, every day rejection either, but a nice, sincere one, where she wants to remain friends. You – still on the hunt after being shot down – wait patiently on the sidelines for her to come around while she moves forward with her life. You went from willing participant to unwilling spectator in the blink of her contact lensed eye…
If you don’t know by now, you have been placed in the “Friend Zone,” & technically, there’s nothing you can do about it.
The Friend Zone is that uncomfortable spot between like & dislike that a woman (or girl) drops you in when she’s not quite ready to get close to you on that next level. This usually occurs when the woman feels she’s too good for you or thinks you’re just not good enough for her.
It’s a fact that men hate the “friend zone.” It may be because we are on a constant (wo)manhunt for new ‘tang (or old ‘tang that hasn’t been revisited in awhile). Or it may be that rejection can drop a man like a toothache does an elephant. Perhaps it’s because – according to Oscar Wilde – friendship between a man & woman is an impossibility, which makes the “friend zone” an urban legend, a myth, like the people who win the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes. Ask most dudes about having strictly platonic relationships with chicks & prepare to hear some spiel about how they have enough friends already. & while that may be absolutely true, it’s that type of thought process that supports women’s collective perspective that men – not all, but most – ain’t shit.
In reality, however, the Friend Zone is the place a guy should start the pursuit of the woman in question.
Lots of relationships falter because the individuals involved have no knowledge of each other. Physical emotion & animal attraction are the reasons they were drawn to one another, & due to the human animal’s resistance to logic, many relationships never leave this proverbial arena. Think back to the worst relationship you had, then ask yourself how well you knew her. You probably didn’t. You probably simply allowed yourself to be siren-called, blinded by lust, likability, & the thrill of the hunt. Now, imagine if you had waited a couple of months to get to know her better.
I know, right?
Chicks are complicated creatures, even before we become personally ensnared by their feminine wilds. & to lend credence to my observations, I have a mother, a wife, a daughter, AND a baby’s mother. Add in the countless failed relationships I survived & rest assured that I know of what I preach. Getting to know a woman, even if only a moderate amount, is best done from a safe distance. A distance from which there’s no possibility for pregnancy, jealous lovers stalking, or exchange of any sexually transmitted disease. Where else can you do that, outside of being a member of her family? The Friend Zone, that’s where.
The ‘Zone (as the gangsters like to call it) has many other positives, including the opportunity to keep her in your sights while you casually enjoy other entrées on the menu. Keep in mind; she’s not going to even THINK about pulling you from The ‘Zone as long as she knows you’re sticking your breadstick into different cups of pasta sauce. But that’s neither here nor there. There’s also – what I like to call – “spillage.” Those are her friends, who know that you’re in the friend zone, which – to them – means she’s not interested. That means, in a round-about way, that you’re still on the virtual market. That’s tantamount to shooting fish in a barrel. With a shotgun. & a hand grenade. Why go to the club, where you’ll inevitably spend your hard-hustled recession dollars on shit you don’t want nor need, when you can stop at her crib while she’s chillin’ with the homies? She probably already has drank at the house, too.
& in case you didn’t know, girls make awesome friends. They lend you things, buy you stuff, give pretty good advice, & will defend your honor, if need be. For a few years back in the day, my best friend was a (lady) stripper, & I felt sorry for all the dudes who chased her because they weren’t privy to the world I was invited to experience. Having a “sister” that works for a successful strip club is the type of thing dudes of all ages & colors fantasize about.
Friend zones also allow one to get to know the target’s personality(s) & tendencies before leaping into an intimate relationship. It’s better to find out she’s bitchy & unreasonable from afar & early on. It cuts down on collateral damage & wasted time. Play your cards correctly & the tables may even turn. She could possibly come to the conclusion that she does want you, which then places YOU in the captain’s chair. Now, you can put her in the friend zone or your bedroom. The choice is yours.
Remember; you don’t play, you can’t win.
If you’re just out to plug random holes, take these words with grain of salt. (Then throw that salt over your left shoulder for good luck because it’s like a sexual petri dish in these streets…or so I’ve heard.) But if you’re searching for a companion
to replace that plastic doll & all your favorite interactive porn sites, this may help to ease the woes of your mid-cuffing season journey.
*calls in huddle* On 3. Ready?
Words by Tony Grands