Words by Tony Grands
Some people are really terrible at buying gifts for people. Especially for odd events like anniversaries, weddings, & days of recognition.
Mother’s Day is one of those recognition days, which is why every year, on the second Sunday in May, restaurants & movie theaters pack in patrons. Let’s be honest; going on a date with your mom to show her you love her is easier than trying to buy a gift that she may not even want or know how to use. Plus, she has just as many bottles of sweet smelling perfume as your “dad” (or grandfather or uncle or guardian) has ties & old man caps.
This Mother’s day, to hell with Olive Garden or the latest Tyler Perry movie (or the incredulously horrid HomeTown Buffet). Why not really surprise her with a token of appreciation that she’ll always remember?
In case you’re one of those people who has a hard time buying gifts *raises hand*, here are five Mother’s Day gifts that she’ll never forget…
Tickets to a Tech N9ne Concert
Regardless of age, your mom is well aware that you listen to rap music. Why not expose her to some of the most frenetic, hyperactive hip hop music you can find? She may not be able to understand
anything he says some of the lyrics, but she’ll never forget the night she “accidently” popped a Molly & saw a voodoo witch doctor yelling & screaming in between explosions & flashing lights.
A Loud Pack
Whether you want to admit it or not, your mom used to be a cool, hip, young chick. It probably began to dwindle down when your pops knocked her up &/or made an honest woman out of her. But before that moment, she did all the things that your chicks do. So, as a gentle reminder of her care-free youth, why not buy a $20 bag of superb herb (you may have to twist up the joint or blunt for her, though)? Immediately after that, leave, so she can dance to old Al Green records & watch hilarious shit on TV in peace.
Hey, she used to do it when you couldn’t, remember? What better way to remind her of the beauty of motherhood than by allowing her to briefly trot back down memory lane. She may even make your favorite lunch, also, depending on how much wine she’s consumed that day. As a courtesy, though, try not to send her any skid-marked drawers or any of your girlfriend’s clothes. Because – really though – that’s just nasty. Buy the soap & dryer sheets yourself (after all, it is Mother’s Day), but whether or not you present them as an additional gift is totally up to you.
Even a post-menopausal woman needs her oil checked now & then. However, this is one of those gifts you give with a disclaimer. Tell her something like, “Wait until I leave to open this, & after this conversation, we are to never talk about this present ever again.” The last (traumatic) memory you want embedded in you psyche is your mother telling you how much she enjoyed the vibrator that you bought her. I also recommend that you block the memory as soon as possible & not tell anyone about the gift. There may come a point that you’ll need to apologize to God for this, but that’s neither here nor there.
A Grand Kid
I’m not suggesting you knock up that rat(chet) that you’ve been creeping in the shadows with, but hey, nothing says “Happy Mother’s Day” like bringing someone you made to the person that made you. I don’t advise this gift to anyone irresponsible, because even though she’s your mother, her mommying days should be behind her. & besides, if she’s busy babysitting all the time, when will she find the time to enjoy her dildo…?
Words by Tony Grands