Hip Hop Culture for Grown-Ups
Words by Tony Grands
here over. & much like “Cuffing Season,” the plan is to get with the opposite sex in hopes of obtaining as much free lovin’ as possible.Unlike “Cuffing Season,” though, most people aren’t looking for relationships. They are looking for quick hook-ups & casual encounters. The lack of urgency placed on said “casual encounters” could very well be the reason you even exist, but that’s neither here nor there.
The problem with massive ‘tang procurement is that there’s always the chance of accidental reproduction. & by that I mean getting some stranger pregnant. That, my friends, is a 2-ingredient recipe for utter disaster with a side of possible self destruction. Needless to say, it’s a road traveled often, even though there are signs & warnings posted all the way down said road, right up until you haphazardly “pull into” your destination. (See what I did there?)
In hopes of helping you avoid certain doom, I’ve constructed this list to assist you in avoiding being her next baby’s daddy…
Invest In Latex
All bullshit aside, most fornicators aren’t concerned with disease. When they buy condoms, it’s to make sure that they don’t impregnate the chick they don’t want to be seen with. & truth be told, they work. Rap music & urban mythology films will have you believing that condoms aren’t cool, but I beg to differ. For example; a case of Crabs is easily remedied (buy a box of Nix & burn your beddings), but taking care of a kid isn’t something you can go to your local clinic to get a fix for (unless you’re applying for a janitorial position with the company). Simply put, if you don’t want to buy clothes, food, shelter, & all that falls in betwixt, buy condoms first. & use them. Thank me later.
The Pre-Date Fap
You know that feeling you get immediately after “relieving” yourself? That “Don’t touch me…” moment that every poon-starved man experiences? My theory is that it’s designed to keep your procreativity at bay. If you can channel & harness that feeling, before you hang out with your lover of the moment, you’ll be less inclined to randomly shoot life juice in arbitrary directions. Again, I believe God designed this so man doesn’t make hundreds of children in a single drunken weekend, so why not use it to your advantage? Empty the clip before the firefight, that way you can be sure that nobody gets hurt. & in case you’re lost, that nobody is ultimately you. (& the kid, too, but that’s not what we’re here for today.)
Lower Your Standards
I’m not saying only go after the unattractive members of the lady race. I’m saying think more like an animal than a human. Animals don’t mate with the other animals that aren’t meeting a certain standard requirement because they’re naturally inclined to strengthen their bloodlines. Humans, however, get drunk or high & stick anything within their third arm’s distance. Take my word for it; you’ll be less inclined to raw-dog a chick who isn’t so easy on the eyes. Save yourself the heartache of self-imposed misery & “date” down. You’ll see the multitude of benefits as your friends are being dragged to family court by chicks who look like supermodels, when they should’ve been going after the ones who look more like the bailiff.
Spend Time With (Other) Baby Daddies
You ever notice how women sit around & bellyache about their terrible relationships? Men – namely baby daddies – do the same thing. If you’re a grown man who doesn’t see the detriment in passing out sperm samples to every chick who looks at you for more than 5 seconds, you clearly don’t have enough baby daddy homeboys. Take a day to smoke & drink with some cats who are on the frontline, being stressed out & pulled to pieces as a result of “momentary indiscretion.” If their diatribes & war stories aren’t enough to calm you down, then I wish you the best of luck in attempting to populate the earth while simultaneously building an army of personal, vindictive, memory-laden enemies. Remember, learning from others’ mistakes is a skill.
A woman once said to me, “You knew what you were doing when you did it.” & you know what my response was? Silence. I sure did. Had I been paying attention, then perhaps I wouldn’t have been in the predicament that I was in. I would’ve realized that those few moments of carnal pleasure would result in what’s tantamount to a full-time job without benefits or off-days. Now, I’m not saying I dislike fatherhood, it’s the bumpy road of babydaddyology that’s the problem. Truth be told, I can blame no one but myself, & you – the reader – can benefit from my experiences & the experiences of others, if you pay attention to the anecdotal tales of tails.
See y’all in about nine months.
photo courtesy of craveonline.com
Words by Tony Grands