Words by Tony Grands
Let’s face it; moms run the world. Everywhere you look, mothers are getting kudos & being praised for seemingly singlehandedly keeping society from imploding.
Even with all the “I’m his mom AND his Dad!” sentiment floating around, there are still quite a few things that a mom can’t teach her son. “Why?,” you ask? Because they don’t know.
Never Shake Another Man’s Fingertips
The only thing worse than a man giggling is a man who gives another man the fingertip handshake. We’ve all seen them; 2 men reach towards one other with hands open, palms just about to smack together & boom; one dude grabs a handful of fingernail meat & shakes as if there’s nothing wrong with that. Ladies, you want your sons’ handshakes to be firm & authoritative. Nothing says “Take my lunch money, please” like a gimpy handshake, & it’s important that every young man in Ameri–nay, the world knows how to land his hand palm to palm, thumb web to thumb web, when delivering the greeting. Handshakes are universal & usually mean the difference between unmitigated respect & trying to steal one’s girlfriend. If at all possible, try to avoid this fanciful exchange, though, as it doesn’t necessarily translate to all situations.
Make Eye Contact (But Not In a Gay Or Creepy Way)
Eyes are the window to the soul, even for those of us who don’t seem to have one. A stranger – man or woman – has no way to judge your character outside of looking in said windows, & much like the ones on your house, if we can’t see inside [you] we don’t truly know what you’re all about. When it comes to men, a brief, masculine glance should be mandatory. It shows that there is no fear residing in your heart, it affirms confidence, & generally demands at least one iota of respect. (It could also get you gnawed on by a bathsalted maniac, but that neither here nor there). As for the ladies, eye contact is a surefire way to show them you’re not some creepy guy staring down her cleavage canyon. Eye contact with women can be especially tricky, however, because there’s always the potential for the ever-distracting tan-line sighting or worse – erect nipples. These pitfalls can easily be avoided by making brief, non-threatening eye contact. (Sidenote: don’t get caught looking at her ass as she walks away, because that’ll negate any nice guy progress made within the last 10 seconds.)
No Talking At The Urinal
There’s never a reason to talk to another dude – friend or otherwise – in a public restroom. Anything worth conversing about while you relieve the pantaloon python is surely worth remembering until you get outside, to neutral civilian territory. The men’s room is a place of solitude & concentration, & the only noises that should occur are flushing toilets, old man farts, & the occasional grunt & groan emitting from the stall. As incentive not to talk, if need be, remind your boy how many airborne germs are waiting in a public rest room for a nice warm mouth to call home. Also, be sure to instruct them not to touch anything in their barehanded (except themselves). Instead, use one of those sandpaper paper towels to operate the faucet & open the door on your way out. I’d advise you purchase a personal bottle of hand sanitizer for just such occasion, just keep it a secret so your friends don’t give you Hepatitis-infected swirlies.
Next time we’ll cover condom etiquette, the importance of choosing the right deodorant, & the difference between slim fit & boot-cut jeans.
photo courtesy of sheknows.com
Words by Tony Grands