Words by Tony Grands
Cuffing season will be here before you know it. & for those who don’t know what “Cuffing Season” is, it’s the time of the year – usually mid-to-late Fall – when dudes decide to find a lady to hunker down with. At least until Christmas time, because Christmas is when most guys dump their girls so as not to have to buy them any Christmas presents. But, that’s a topic for another day.
By the time Cuffing Season rolls around, most chicks have been getting stalked, trolled, used, & abused by scum bags & male skeezers for the better part of the previous 3 months. If you look closely enough, you can see the strain in their disheveled color contacts & unkept weaves. Those chicks can’t wait to find a guy who’ll do things like paint their toenails for them, cook dinner, & make sweet, sweet love to them while they are still awake. I believe every chick, even the bitter bag ladies, wants a dude, & Cuffing Season is prime time for a lonely, love lost guy to go shopping for a mate. It’s almost like shooting fish in a barrel. Better yet, Cuffing Season is sorta kinda like the last week of the month in a grocery store; although all the good stuff has been picked over & touched, whatever is left is up for grabs by the fistful. & as long as your hands work, there are proverbial goods to be bagged, pun intended.
Now, some fellas may not know how to get the girl they want, regardless of the season. These gents are usually socially awkward, gameless buffoons whose uncles &
dads legal guardians never taught them how to talk to women. Fortunately for them, I can help with that. Unfortunately for them as well, I can’t be everywhere at once.
My experiences have taught me that ladies – regardless of statistical differentiation – love a chap that can make them laugh. I use the term “laugh” loosely. A giggle &/or a chuckle will suffice also. If you can make a woman grin without embarrassing yourself, that’s tantamount to a first base hit. & much like the first base hit in the game of baseball, the hit doesn’t guarantee a score. In other words, you can still be thrown out of the play, but you’ll be that much farther from the other dudes in the game & one step closer to being called home. (See what I did there?) Instead of asking her where her man is (which is possibly the worst pick-up line ever), say something slick & comical albeit non-sexual. If she doesn’t laugh, she’s either gay, a man-hater, laden with relationship baggage, uninterested, or hard of hearing. All five of the reasons are good enough for you to tap out, so don’t feel bad about giving up early on.
Confidence is also a surefire way to get attention. Not too much, however, because too much confidence comes off as arrogance, & girls won’t always appreciate a man who thinks he’s better than everybody. Even if it’s a totally true statement. Arrogant men have a particular aura about them that generally denotes, “I’m better than you too, you just don’t know it yet.”
Some guys think that money is the easiest way to attract ladies & at them I scoff. Flashing your fiscal prominence only shows that you’re shallow or desperate & some women see that as a sign of weakness. Plus, there are still girls out there that have cousins & brothers (& even sisters) who have no problem lifting your belongings from your $1000
man purse knapsack while you’re in the other room victoriously snagging tail. If you’ve ever caught a woman using your paycheck as bait & coincidentally lost a smartphone or fancy watch in the process, there’s a high probability that you’ve fallen victim to such a heist. There’s nothing wrong with demonstrating your earning potential, but life isn’t the episode of “Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood” that it used to be. If your opening your wallet to retrieve anything other than a condom, I suggest you think twice. (Also, don’t keep condoms in your wallet, bruh. They dry out, & then you’ll really be spending money…)
Nevertheless, if all goes well, you’ll find yourself snuggling up with a pretty young (or not so young) thing before Halloween, if not sooner. Keep in mind, though, that if you employ any or all of these tactics yet still find yourself alone, there’s a chance that you are one of society’s un-date-able people. In that case, forget everything I said, lower your standards substantially, & go after the girls that no one wants. In this worst case scenario, you’ll find an undesirable chick that will love you unconditionally, no matter what you do or who you are on the inside, so you still win, in a roundabout way.
Words by Tony Grands