The Checklist: 5 Things Every Dude Should Always Have On Him

5

Words by Tony Grands

Being a man comes with lots of pressure. You have to protect the weak, kill spiders, move heavy furniture, ignore your feelings, etc. Sometimes, it’s hard to know what some of your responsibilities are, & that’s where random Internet posts like these come in handy.

For starters, there are certain things that a man should have on him at all times. No, wait. Before you start thinking of outside the box-y things like a gun or a girl’s mouth, allow me to break it down to it’s simplest form…


A Watch

Don’t let technology trick you into thinking watches aren’t cool anymore. Sure, you can check the time on your smartphone (assuming you have important shit to do in the first place), but a watch — much like facial hair & bills — is what separates the men from the boys.

The problem is that dudes think they have to spend a ton of money on a decent time piece. No dice. If you’ve ever shopped for a watch, you know that you can find something spiffy for a decent rate if you’re willing to do the footwork. A man’s naked wrist is almost the exact same thing as a man’s face with no stubble.


A Wallet

Rap music & drug dealer movies give the impression that carrying a wad of cash in your pocket (rubber-banded or clipped) is a cool look. & well, frankly it is. Nothing says “respect my gangsta” like pulling out a fat knot & flipping through it to get to the small bills to buy your blunts or pay your bus fare. However, there are a few of problems with that…

  • It leaves you with nowhere to keep your driver’s license, credit cards, & collection of pointless business cards & loose phone numbers.
  • It could easily slip out of your pocket (if your jeans aren’t tight enough — yes, I’m looking at you basketball shorts).
  • It makes you look like you don’t have a bank account & are about that check cashing life.
  • Wallets are still a mandatory part of any self-respecting man’s uniform, don’t kid yourself.

    Besides, where would you keep your condom(s)? Speaking of which…


    A Condom

    STDs are terrible diseases (or so I’ve heard) & I advise you to avoid them at all costs. But what’s the chance that you’ll contract them during your illustrious casual sexing career? Probably pretty low. Now, what’s the chance of you getting some random skeezer pregnant after a 10 minute, medical marijuana-powered romp in the backseat of your cousin’s Trailblazer? Relatively high.

    Thanks to advancements in medicine, you could catch some form of the cooties & conceivably be “okay” for the rest of your life. Kids with a woman that you really don’t want in your life, though, there are no medicines for that. Unless you count killing her as a form elixir. In which case you’d likely WANT to have some communicable sickness because you’ll be locked in a prison cell for the rest of your natural days, & I’ve heard that there’s less of a chance of getting gang-raped in the shower if every knows you’re HIV positive or have The Clap.

    In a twisted way, I guess the aforementioned scenario works itself out, but you get smell my cologne. Do yourself a favor; keep a condom & avoid it all.


    A Set Of Keys

    Keys make you look like you have some important shit going on. House keys, car keys, keys to the mail box, as long as there’s a christmas-ish jingle to your walk, people assume you mean business. Keys, more so than any other accessory a man can openly tote, are a sign of some sort of responsibility.

    Think back to your elementary school janitor. As much as you & your friends cracked jokes about his seemingly dead end job (& the fact that he cleaned poop & whiz off of the bathroom floor while you were in class), you knew that he was arguably the most important man in the building. He had the keys to every lock, & behind those locks were all the secrets, including the secrets you had in your locker.


    An Ink Pen

    As archaic as it may seem to today’s on-the-go young person, ink pens are still a necessary component to living everyday life. Who knows when you’ll need to sign something, jot down a quick note to yourself, or procure some pretty young thing’s phone number. Sure, we can always whip out a $500 piece of machinery & start typing whatever it is, but let’s be real. By the time you input the secret access code needed to open the device, the moment could have very well passed.

    I’ve been in situations where I needed to write something down & became so frustrated with my phone telling my that I didn’t enter the passcode correctly that I gave up out of frustration. It’s happened to all of us. Been there, done that, as Dr. Dre would say. If I had an ink pen at my disposal, my problem –however big or small — would’ve been solved.

    Ink pens don’t drain your battery, either.

    Honorable Mention:


    A Smartphone

    Really though, it can:

  • Answer any question.
  • Give you directions to wherever you’re going.
  • Deliver porn at a moment’s notice.
  • Keep you updated on current events.
  • Play music & videos.
  • Take pictures.
  • Send emails.
  • Wake you up.
  • Entertain your children.
  • Control your television.
  • Communicate with all your other gizmos.
  • Need I continue?

    Words by Tony Grands
    @TheTonyGrands
    tonygrands@yahoo.com

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    5 comments on “The Checklist: 5 Things Every Dude Should Always Have On Him

    1. don says:

      Money is something every man should always have on him, too.

      Like

    2. C. Renegade says:

      A man gotta have pockets on his pants. I’m referring to a old Kevin Hart skit. A man gotta have pockets… Think about it if you have no pockets on your pants you have NOWHERE to put any of the things Grands mentioned…

      Like

    3. Krissy says:

      I was pretty much done after “No, wait. Before you start thinking of outside the box-y things like a gun or a girl’s mouth” lmao!!

      Like

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