Words by Tony Grands
Wherever the twerking craze began is now a moot point. It’s everywhere, & unlike most Internet-based frenzies, it doesn’t appear to be disappearing or getting overshadowed any time soon.
As the world watched Miley Cyrus embarrass her father in the name of the twerk, a funny thing happened. She turned it into a household name. It quickly soared from the depths of urbanite house party dance circles to the heights of suburban dorm rooms & ditch parties world wide. Not only is the word “twerk” now officially a part of the English lexicon, it’s stealthily creeping its way into the hearts of people of all colors & ages. That can only mean one thing: it’s ready to go prime time.
It’s only a matter of time before some overpaid, underwhelmed executive-types decide to cash in on twerking & it’s monstrous popularity. If you’re wondering how this could be pulled off, allow me to give you a look at what to expect if twerking goes prime time…
Video Games: “Twerk Twerk Revolution”
Similar to “Dance Dance Revolution,” a video game where foot work & body movement earns you points, “Twerk Twerk Revolution” would score you based on the urban poetry of your badunkulous bounce & jiggle techniques. Those expert twerkers who’ve have mastered the fabled “boob twerk” would ultimately win the game every time (unless it’s they’re too floppy — then points could possibly be deducted for overlap), while the chicks who don’t have much meat to throw around would lose.
The downside of this slope would be those girls who get addicted to the game & pick up eating disorders or freelance pregnancies for the sole purpose of packing more junk in the trunk. This game would probably increase the volume of neck & back injury patients in emergency rooms nationwide also, but that’s the county hospital’s problem, not yours.
Game Shows: So You Think You Can Twerk?
“So You Think You Can Dance?” is an action packed show full of all types of dancers with all types of styles to display. “So You Think You Can Twerk?” would essentially take all the variations of The Twerk in a similar fashion & dazzle the audience with electric assticity. With so many twerking techniques abound worldwide — & the fact that men love to watch an ass dance around aimlessly — the show would become a hit in no time.
There’s “The Pancake Twerk” for those who lack the assets to create the illusion of the booty bounce, “The Big Momma” for those who were twerking just by walking, long before it became a national past time, & “The Diplomat” whose by-the-book, robotic tick movements are the result of years of aerobics & yoga, just to name a few. Stage props (like poles, walls, other girls) would definitely be welcomed.
Take a moment & imagine a panel of judges criticizing a woman for her butt checks lacking the personality needed to advance in the competition. “Nice form darling, but those dimples are very distracting. It’s like your ass…is looking back at ME.”
Reality Shows: “America’s Next Top Twerker”
Contestants would have to endure a series of challenges & contests in order to earn the coveted title of Top Twerker, reminiscent of “America’s Next Top Model.” & the show would be hosted by none other than YouTube’s queen rump jumper, Caramel Kitten. See Caramel Kitten in action:
Challenges may include:
The winner would receive…who cares. The winner would be every man who tuned in to the show when it aired.
As a result of this twerking overload, expect to see Twerkshops (workshops for the amateur twerker) popping up all over town, designed to teach even the skinniest, no rhythm-having woman how to properly pop that thang. Those twerkshops would inevitably give way to Twerkers Anonymous meetings, for those twerkaholics who can’t stop making their bubbles hop. In fact, the amount of socially twerktastic side effects that may follow could alter the course of human history if we let it.
Notice that when only young, unsupervised Black girls were doing it & posting their clips to Youtube, all was well. Once a crazed, wild-eyed, überfamous White chick got a hold of it, all hell is literally bouncing loose.
Only time will tell what direction twerking is headed in next, but I confidently speak for all heterosexual men when I say “we’ll be watching.”
Words by Tony Grands