Words by Tony Grands
Are you befuddled, frustrated, or in denial about your current babydaddyship?
Do you often find yourself screaming “What the f*ck?!” & shaking your fists unjustly in the air like an old man who can’t seem to catch a break?
Do you feel trapped, paranoid, & downright handicapped because you had a kid with some chick that you don’t want to be with & now the fun you two had has ended?
Join the club. There are at least a million clueless men (in your home state, alone) experiencing the same confusing roller coaster ride. You, my dimwitted friend, have a baby momma, & all you can do know is enjoy your kids & make the best of the situation. (You can also use this as a learning tool about the importance of condom usage, but that’s neither here nor there at this particular point.)
Now, while I can’t tell you how to solve your problem per se, I can give you a few pointers on how to make the next however-many-years as smooth as possible…
& if you’re wondering why that picture of Simon Cowell is up there, it’s because he knocked up his friend’s wife.
She’s Probably Not Over You
There’s a chemical called Oxytocin in our bodies. Basically what it does is bond people together. It’s the reason that mothers have a connection with their newborn children (as opposed to gerbils, who often devour their offspring) & the reason why people fall in love. Don’t be so quick to assume it’s the sex that keeps her hanging on. Because while that may very well be true, it’s also a chemical component to it that she generally can’t control. Usually this is only countered by absence, & even then, it may not be enough to ever reverse the effects of attachment.
The relationship may have ended, but depending on circumstance, feelings aren’t usually that cut & dry. She may be giving you ‘tang & acting all emotional, but it’s deeper than you can imagine.
Remember: just because she’s not “over” you doesn’t mean she cares about you, though.
Other Dudes Will Be Around You Kids
Contrary to popular belief, other guys will want her, unless you picked the bottom-of-the-barrel, worst looking, foulest smelling girl you could find to plant your seed in. (If that’s the case, shame on you. There are plenty of decent-looking, mid-standard females with lowered self esteem who would appreciate you or any other man that gave her some attention.)
The disagreements & arguments you two had mean nothing to the next predator, looking for food to eat & a place to rest his dusty du-rag. As easily as she took you in, she can & eventually will collect another stray pup to call her own. When this happens, unless she’s a sociopath, some sort of culmination between him & your kids will occur. Resistance is futile.
Rather than beef with the dude for stepping into the kicks that you discarded, get to know him. Look into his eyes. Smell his aftershave. See where his head is. That way, you’ll know for a fact if you should dedicate time & effort into running him away. Hell, she may be happier with him than she was with you & subsequently treat you better. That, friends, would be a blessing in disguise, so to speak.
She’s No Longer A Fan Of Your Work
All the praise & upliftment she (should have) given you before is now dead in the water.
She’s not interested in your accomplishments & couldn’t care less about your happiness, especially if she’s no longer benefiting from them.
Any attempt at a “Look at me!” moment will likely be met with eye rolls & could possibly even start an altercation.
Assuming she is still a cheerleader for your squad is sheer, unadulterated ridiculousness, because she more than likely can’t stand you anymore. Do not be fooled by a faint smile; she isn’t your friend, no matter how “cool” things seem to be. It would be wise to avoid any unnecessary contact for the duration of your acquiantanceship, that way you won’t have to worry about her hurting your feelings.
Your Kids Still Need You
This should go without saying, but it’s easy to forget about the kids. All they know is what they are told, or what they can surmise with their not-yet-fully formed brains. So if they seem to ignore you, don’t take it too personally. It’s probably not their fault.
Think about it this way: without you, they may become horrible people & all that will do is cause you misery down the road. If you’re there now, perhaps you can lend the wisdom & knowledge that ensures you have less messes to clean in the future (i.e. jail, babies, abusive relationships). A jaded women has the gift & ability to make a man feel alienated, sometimes to the point of him alienating himself, but chill.
As the pop group Simply Red once sang, “Keep holding on.” One day the kids will be old enough to love you for sticking around or hate you for leaving. That choice is in your hands at the present moment.
She’s Not Really A Bad Person
Well, she may be, but that’s something you should’ve known before you entered her unsheathed. What she is, however, is a person caught in a situation that she’d rather not be in & surely you can relate to & totally understand that, no?
The frustrations she may seem to take out on you may also be frustrations she has with herself, & the easiest target to fire at is you.
Without doing a whole lot of scientific calculations, we can assess that no woman ever intends to be a baby momma. As girls, they probably talked about their weddings & finding a proverbial “Mr. Right” someday. Once that didn’t happen (which isn’t to say that it won’t ever), with hopes & dreams dashed to the sidewalk, she became a title instead of a role model. Her anger may reside with you for something that you did to her personally, but ultimately it lies within herself for allowing such a left turn to happen in the first place. This may not negate how much you think she hates you, but this should give you pause on why she does what she does when she does it.
Love will make a person do silly things & hate…even sillier.
Some guys are able to maintain a good relationship with the woman he created a family with then abandoned, but that’s not generally the case. If it makes you feel better, blame Maury Povich & Jerry Springer, & then yourself. For what it’s worth, though, remember that it’s a thin line between love & hate & it would behoove you to act accordingly. But you dont have to take my word for it.
Words by Tony Grands