Sweet Victory: 5 Clear Winners In The Grand Theft Auto Online Debacle

Words by Tony Grands

While some shook their fists incessantly at Rockstar Games yesterday, others rejoiced, celebrating their minute victory in the war against man & machine.

Let’s take a look at those who won where GTA Online “lost,” shall we?

Girlfriends (& wives) became casualties of digital warfare the moment GTA V hit shelves for retail purchase. It’s a safe bet that they counted the days — much like their men — until GTA’s online universe went viral, knowing that they would be lost in an endless cycle of robberies, heists, & virtual strip club visits. When the online game didn’t work, guys worldwide had no choice but to return to the couch, next to their respective life partners.

Porn Sites
Gamers had their fingers in a tizzy as they anticipated GTA Online’s arrival. When they day came, all that pent-up hand energy had no home. Surely they could continue with the single-player mode, but with flurries of excitement, that probably wasn’t enough. What else does a man do when he’s sad & feeling slightly abandoned? What else? Turn to porn. If I could look into the stat pages of sites like Xtube & Pornhub, I imagine that they saw a mild influx of traffic yesterday, well into the wee hours of the melancholy night.

Little did most parents know that their innocent babes were planning to go on an endless spree of violence & mayhem. When GTA’s servers couldn’t handle the billion people with the same agenda, that meant that said children actually had time to do homework, finish chores, read the bible, etc. This current pause on simulated violent behavior is only temporary, however, but for at least another day or so, their children won’t be pillaging & plundering like little savage pirates.

Fathers worldwide ran out to purchase a copy of GTA & ever since that day, have been neglecting their children a little more than usual. Those that had grown weary of or even completed the single-player version of GTA were undoubtedly looking forward for more reasons not to check their offspring’s homework or sit with the family to eat dinner. When GTA didn’t behave correctly, with a heavy heart those dads lurched back into the family room, a bit disappointed, but at least they were there. All that can & will change soon, though, so enjoy it while you can, junior.

Reality TV
Women worldwide were silently & secretly clamoring amongst themselves knowing that their better half would be paired up with the “big TV,” hunkered down to dig their claws into GTA Online. & this meant that they wouldn’t be able to watch their favorite cable shows, full of “real life” drama & overall ratchetocity. When news broke of GTA’s technical dilemmas, they breathed a collective sigh of relief, hid the remote control, & waited until prime time television began. Though it’s a mere victory, overshadowed by the inevitable, that night, reality TV maintained its capital audience, if only momentarily.

Words by Tony Grands


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