Why Should Cops Have All The Fun? Body Cameras For Everyone!


King Winfrey of Murika

Words by Tony Grands

Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past lifetime or so, you know that apparently human beings have evolved into superinfants that incessantly need to be watched.

In other words, we’ve become the equivalent of semi-wild animals that require constant surveillance like the world’s most insane zoo (& apparently the Internet is our keeper) & we can’t be trusted to do the simple things we should be trusted to do. Like treat each other like human beings. Case in point, we pay police to protect and serve us (well, those of us who live legitimate lives & pay taxes do) yet all they’ve been doing lately is serving the hell out of us.

Serving us at our homes.

Serving us at the bus station.

Serving us while we walk down the street.

Police have been giving their civilian supervisors such excellent service that lately it’s hard to tell the difference between a police officer and a waiter.

That being said; it’s been announced that various public safety agencies around the country will begin wearing body cameras, even though numerous police departments have already been equipped with them for years. In fact, this hasn’t deterred the shootings. It only helped to heighten the already growing sense of alarm by providing eyewitness footage of what we already knew to be true. This has happened so much now that society is becoming noticeably numb to it.

At this point, as far as the current state of public safety in general, I’d say it’s time to violate a little privacy for the sake of A LOT of safety.


All eyes on...us

& not to compare apples & cashews, but if cops have to wear body cameras, I think fast food workers should have to wear them, too. The cameras are in place to ensure protection of the general public, no? Believe it or not, a fast food worker’s position is very similar to a cop’s, so the same level of communal responsibility should fall on them as well.



Especially the ones with a recorded histories of having shitty attitudes. You give me shitty attitude, I’m shoveling heaps of reciprocity on your paper hat & uniform shirt shoulders. & I shouldn’t have to deal with mucus-infused condiments or you putting your unwashed finger juices all over my lettuce & pickles & extra onions afterwards, either. That’s that shit that a body cam would definitely dissuade a disgruntled cashier-cook from doing. It’s been thousands of times I’ve walked into a fast food restaurant & wondered why the dude at the front of the burger assembly line wasn’t rocking those handy dandy invisible gloves. It doesn’t matter why he didn’t have them on as much as what he did while he didn’t have them on does. Bathroom, perhaps? Smoke break? I’m still going to eat the food regardless, but it will make me feel better — as a man — to know what the hell he’s been doing with his hands prior to my lunch hour. Body cameras will eliminate all of that room for anxiety.

It’s now common knowledge that “The Cops” can’t be trusted, & equally as disappointing is the fact that teachers are just as low & slimy as the peace officers. All you have to do is watch the news or log in to your fave news website & prepare to be dazzled. Teachers are knocking up AND beating down students at almost the same breaknecking rate as cops are killing unarmed minorities. Maybe they’re drunk, maybe they’re high, but teachers are just as crazy as the rest of the world so why the hell shouldn’t they be held accountable, too? They were instructors & pillars of the neighborhood when I was in school light years ago. Nowadays, though?


Detention? Absolutely.

No dice. Once my kids are done with school, it then becomes another parent’s problem. But as for right now, color me curious.

& what about cleaning ladies? They should wear body cams because, according to most crime shows on A&E, a lot of times they don’t clean up all the invisible sperm & blood that’s left in the room from the previous criminal guest. That’s gross, bruh. I’m not as concerned with them finding my lost cell phone or returning the 5 clams in loose change that I forgot to retrieve from the ashtray as much as I am concerned with the fact that I don’t want some stranger’s Hepatitis-C crawling through any open leg wounds I may not even know I have. Keep in mind that none of this would be an issue if the cleaning lady (or fella, depending on the amount of Affirmative Action used back in the day) did her job correctly the first time. She shouldn’t have to be threatened with an ultraviolet light lamp to guarantee the delivery of proper service. A body cam will eliminate any corporate doubt & civilian concern while constantly serving as a small reminder that someone is always watching. Really, though, these body cams could turn out to be the best micromanagement staff ever in the existence of douchebag babysitters.



& with a little imagination, the uses for the body cam could be endless!

You can put one on your kid without them knowing, officially making you, their father or mother, big brother’s little brother or sister, which would somehow turn you into their uncle or aunt.

You could attach one to your guard dog to see if he’s really menacing passing pedestrians like you feed him to or if he’s just lazing around under the big ass tree in the yard.

& if you’re a caretaker? Attach one to your client, map out their daily routine, & cut your workload by a third, easily.

Like I said, endless possibilities.

If Oprah started giving these away, I’d go to her show. Does she still have a show? I’m clueless about these things.

Words by Tony Grands
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