Words by Tony Grands
As a man, one of the most terrifying things you can involve yourself with is fatherhood. Being the head of a household is some scary shit.
All of the sudden you have a tribe of humans orbiting you, eating all your snacks and breathing up your good air and you’re responsible for whether they live or die. Sounds like loads of fun, right?
A particularly sensitive area of fatherhood is raising a daughter. No amount of guidance or information can prepare you for this. Year after year, fathers tread headfirst into raising a daughter with no clue as to what to expect. Allow me to shine a little light on a few of the lesser – mentioned realities of raising a daughter.
The Vultures Are Waiting
I have two daughters and I noticed that a strange thing happens when a daughter is born. All the women in your family come swarming — like wild monkeys from the trees in a dense African savanah — to snatch her from your claws. It’s happened to me two times in a row, and there’s literally nothing
legal you can do about it. Prepare to emotionally fight off rabid old ladies whose last passion in life is to do nothing more than help some shiftless, irresponsible young person raise helpless human larvae. It’ll happen on both sides of her family and dads…it’s out of your hands. Like her virginity. Sit back and enjoy the show, because gaggles of women are mostly hilarious, and in the meantime teach her as much as possible for as long as possible, because…
She’s Not Really Yours
The sad reality of having a daughter is that you’re raising her to be someone else’s queen. One day all the things that you teach her and all the knowledge and wisdom that you impart on her will be used to help some other dude get further in life and become successful…if you did your job correctly. That’s a bitter sweet victory. On one hand, you want to raise your daughter to able to thrive in a world that seems to devour the people that it creates. And on the other hand, you don’t want her to ever leave your sight. Because you can’t protect her if you cant see her.
That’s a jagged pill to swallow. But see, you have to swallow it. Or choke on it and die. And there’s nothing you can do for your kids from the afterlife. Although I don’t believe in ghosts and all of that so I may be totally wrong.
Regardless of the astroplane you exist on, know this: even if your daughter is ugly and dumb, the inevitable will still happen…
One Day, She’ll Get Pregnant
One thing I’ve learned in my life so far is that biology is some unpredictable shit. When I was younger I thought men and women could be friends, but now, I’m older and I know better. There are exceptions to the rule of course, but for the most part, biology will always win, because that’s how God made us. All jokes aside, ever see a chick and wonder who got her pregnant? The world is full of those scenarios. Why? Because life. This isn’t an obstacle that can be avoided. Prepare now. Some sneaky little POS D-bag is eating breakfast right now somewhere and the day is steadily approaching when he will attempt and succeed at mounting your princess. Just
hope pray she doesn’t get preggos until she has a husband and a job and a place to live, but probably not. That’s not the way that this generation thinks. This generation listens to too much Drake and 2 Chainz, seemingly giving each other nothing but babies and problems and I only see it getting worse, but that’s neither here nor there. Understand and respect that somebody’s going to get your daughter pregnant and when it happens to all you can do is be there and be supportive. See, life isn’t a movie, and it comes at you fast as hell. So get ready.
I know some future dads who have joked about preferring a less than desirable daughter when that day arrives. Means nothing. They know that as well as I do. Basically it all boils down to…
All That Work For The Next Guy
This is the outcome of all the hard work, sweat, blood, tears, money, time, and pain: she runs into some young knucklehead who entails all the bullshit qualities about yourself that you tried so hard to ignore, and off she rides into the sunset. No pun intended. That’s it, bro. It’s all over with. Now what you do is sit back, wait, and hope that your grandkids ain’t too fucked up.
Enjoy your retirement.
Words by Tony Grands
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