Hip Hop Culture for Grown-Ups
Put on your big boy pants, bruh. Grown folks will be talking for a minute. You’ve been warned…
For those that don’t know, manscaping is the act of shaving all the unwanted hair from the unseen parts of your body. Men manscape for various reasons. The most notable instance is swimming. Professional swimmers remove all the unwanted hair so they can move as fast as possible whilst they are trying to slither away from their opponent.
Other people do it for their own personal reasons. Some men think it makes them sexy. Some men do it because their spouse or significant other would rather them be sleek and streamlined as opposed to furry and carpeted. The very first time I manscaped was because my teenaged fornicating landed me a case of the little homies, and I needed to bulldoze their village. So I guess that wasn’t so much a manscaping as a scorching of the earth, but that’s neither here nor there.
Now that I’m older and wiser, I still manscape. Why? Because truth be told, 75% of the time that you can smell the funk on a adult male it’s because the odors have been trapped helplessly in the follicles of his body hair. In other — more simpler — words, you’ve become a stank tank. All the antiperspirant swipes and bottles of baby powder in the world are powerless against the decades of post-puberty funk that have been accumulating, sitting and waiting to pounce like miniscule ninjas nunchucking your nostrils.
There are two things that manscaping will do for you immediately. The first thing, it will save you money. Seriously, you will spend less money on deodorant and cologne because there’s less funk to cover up. That money you save on deodorant you can spend on weed and alcohol, because weed and alcohol smell way better than stank.
The second thing it would do for you is make you more desirable. Granted, you probably get bitches now. That’s not the point. The point is that you can possibly acquire more hoes if you don’t smell like you just jogged to your current location. Plus, a lack of bush makes the tree trunk seem thicker. And since beauty is in the eye of the beholder, you do the math.
Again, chicks dig dudes that don’t smell like puberty. And much to the chagrin of the average person, the reason you stink is
probably because you should shave some of that damn hair off of your simian body.
Specifically speaking, your balls and your groin area, in case that hasn’t been gleaned yet.
And if you decide to get so detailed with the manscaping that you also trim your taint, that’s between you and any of the numerous girls that frequent that area. But I guarantee you this, all of the women in your life (with the exception of your mother and your daughter – I hope) will be thoroughly pleased with your decision to upgrade your current status.
Allow my awkward buddy Marc Robert to hammer this one home…
Take it from me, a guy who spends at least 40% less on smell goods than you; shave your body hair and watch your stock levels rise like pheromones at the AVN awards. Chicks dig dudes who don’t smell like sex before the sex.
Words by Tony Grands
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