Hip Hop Culture for Grown-Ups
Do you find yourself in the midst of a sexual drought more often than not? For the less informed, a “sexual drought” is when you are unable to find willing partners to have sex with for extended periods of time. And while visiting a prostitute may generate your momentary satisfaction, that doesn’t count.
FYI: ‘Tang you paid for is not the same as it being handed to you, no matter what your drunk uncle wants you to believe.
The problem (yes, inconsistent sex should be a problem) is you’re likely doing it wrong. And by “it,” I mean the exact opposite of all the shit your older brother tried to teach you. If you’re young, healthy, and possess the ability to clean up well, you should never be without an endless supply of jiggable pie. If you are, allow us to provide you with a new recipe.
Because clearly you need one…
Keep Your Feet Clean
Few things are as immediately turn-off-y as stink-ass feet. Anyone with feet is aware of the foot’s supernatural ability to obtain rank odors and launch them into all available nose cavities. A man should never be apprehensive about removing his kicks in the presence of a woman, and if he is, there are various powders and creams to help him sort out his rashes and smells. Unless you’ve found some sort of fetish muse, unkept feet are sometimes a deal breaker.. This applies to your toe nails also. If you really want some trim, keep them trimmed.
Shave Your Pubic Zone
I can’t stress this enough. Invest 30 minutes a month into grooming the moss-like hair growth on and around your unmentionable areas. Simply put, it’s easier to get puss if you don’t smell like you just got some puss. It’ll cut down on all that public pubic scratching, too, which is a silent game-killer. Especially in places where they sell food, like grocery stores or strip clubs.
Brush Your Tongue
Brushing your teeth is a very cosmetic function. It’s embedded as habit early on, & habits can be detrimental as they become working routines. So it only makes sense that by our 13th birthdays we’re going it wrong. We scrub the teeth, forgetting about the gooey sponge in between them, where the germs and juices hang out. Buy a tongue scraper if that what it takes to replace that sharp, humid, dry-meat breath with something more tolerable. And switch out your toothbrush every 6 months or so, also. Don’t give bacteria a motel.
Nothing wrong with high standards. The higher you aim the better quality if target, no? No. While this works great for skeet shooting, it does not necessarily translate into hunting for companionship. (Which is ultimately still “skeet shooting” I suppose.) Your aim is beyond your class and rank of weapon, so you keep missing your mark. Repeatedly. This won’t change without desire and effort, but do not be discouraged. Until then, bring your nose down a couple of iota. And remember; it’s only settling if you’re all out if options. Watch your win/loss ratio improve almost overnight. Pun intended.
Invest In Real Cologne
Remember that time you met the nice lady at the Swapmeet with a trunk full of cologne boxes that only cost a fraction if the price they would inside so you bought 3 boxes because only a fool would let such a hellafied bargain slip through his fingers? Don’t do that shit again. Cheap cologne is like bad breath. One good whiff and the lights turn off. This is a real problem. Educate yourself on what bunches panties and what curls nose hairs. Spend a few extra bucks. You’ll be glad you did…unless you get some random girl pregnant. You can’t blame that on me or the cologne, though.
Kegals are a form of squeezing technique used to strengthen muscles used during sexual intercourse. And like any normal exercise, this will make your joint stronger and increase your endurance. Seriously. True story: I tried it daily for months. It made a noticeable difference in my package delivery. Anyway, worst case scenario: you only have that one chick and can’t seem to bag anymore. At least this one will be a guaranteed return customer.
Get A Job
As a general rule of thumb, chicks dig dudes who can buy them things. Even miniscule things that don’t fiscally amount to much. Food is a great example. Being able to buy things like food for a lady greatly increases your odds of action-snagging. This doesn’t mean women are whores for pay. It means that broke fellas probably jack-off more than “date” and you can usually avoid this by simply being somewhat gainfully employed. Or at least able to buy the weed for you date. Dope-dealing may or may not count as somewhat gainful employment depending on the level of woman you qualify for and the amount of money you make per week.
Stop Watching Porn So Much
Porn can be positive if you learn how to safely harness its power. It can be a vital source of self-awareness and an educational tool for a happy, shiftless sex life. It can also be a Matrix-driven lust-filled rabbit hole that’ll bend and warp time-space around you in wicked ways. I truly believe porn obsession causes tangible problems like inability to interact with real women and having unrealistic expectations about relationships. Speaking from experience, do yourself a favor and enjoy it in small doses. If you can’t throttle the porn intake, make your digital love affair known to all the chicks you sniff around and hope they’re into that shit, too. At this point, you’ve got nothing to lose anyway.
Words by Tony Grands
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