Facebook Is Out To Destroy Humanity One User At A Time


As if you need more reasons to trust the Internet less.

I have only been an avid, active user on FB (that’s what the cool kids call it) for a handful of years. But over those years I’ve seen it evolve from a user-friendly hub of hodgepodge to an evil, sentient cyborg whose endgame is to ultimately capture you and hold you indefinitely hostage. Not just you, though. EVERY HUMAN ON EARTH.

All this time we’ve been looking toward Google to be the onset of a real-life Terminator scenario. Who knew that Facebook was indeed a much more sinister being?


Yes, being.

Facebook, much like Google, can think and make decisions unbeknownst to the average user. These “thoughts” are disguised under colorful verbiage, but if you’re able to hack away at the slithery syntax and whittle down the technical blather, in laymen’s terms, you’ll notice that Facebook already has an impressive array of artifical intelligence. Terms like “analytics” and “algorithims” are set in motion to keep the common man from committing suicide out of fear that the digital sky is falling. With all due respect; Facebook is a bodiless digital monster and if you have an account, you’ve already set it free in your life.

Facebook seems to have the incessant need to be all things to all people. That’s always a red flag. Like Antichrist red flag. Text, email, phone calls, private messages, personal journal, search engine, photo album, not to mention all the the other auxiliary functions (like creating pages to potentially start hate groups or cyber sex crime rings). That spells “doom” in a “you’ve been kidnapped” type of way. That makes it look like FB is on a mission to trap you in a corner and keep you there, making you and everyone else fully dependant on it for your thriving social survival.

Facebook also seems hellbent on ruining your real-world relationships. It uses its algorithms to keep you and your friends so deeply intertwined online that there becomes no need to hang out IRL. No bullshit; I went to a family gathering a year ago and we – collectively – had nothing to talk about. 45 grown folks painfully stretching minimal small talk to the outermost limit. Any familial announcement was greeted with a “Yeah, I saw it on FB,” to the point that eventually we all just sat around talking about Facebook.

And let us not overlook all the chaos and drama that it sparks. Stalkers, ex-lovers, paper servers, bill collectors…if someone is truly looking for you, it’s not hard to find you. Even with over 1 billion users, chances are your name is less common than you think.


Watch ya cyberback, bruhz

And people have gotten killed behind Facebook foolery. Twitter, too, but mostly Facebook.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention all the good that Facebook does. It reconnects lost loved ones, plays important roles in social awareness, spreads messages quicker than any other digital platform, and truly has united humanity for better or worse. In other words, it’s not a total clusterfuck, but time is still ticking and the case isn’t closed yet.

Inherently, I don’t trust Black men without mustaches and White men with too much money. Today, I add Facebook to that roll call.

Fuck you, FB. The revolution will not be televised. (Although it will be tweeted, reposted, shared, vined, updated, snapped, uploaded, reblogged, and streamed.)

Words by Tony Grands
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