We’re going to keep it short and sweet today. Like Suleika.
A “real man” doesn’t need anything to define him. Not his huge TV. Nor his shiny automobile wheels. Or his ridiculously loud sound system. Not even his overpriced sneakers. But that doesn’t stop the rest of society from judging him for what he does or doesn’t posses.
Fuck all that, though.
Cars and clothes and money are next level. Here are 5 basic things you need to have in order to be taken seriously as a man in 2015.
Looking down at your watch is the ultimate sign of importance. The only gesture that makes a man look even more important than cocking his sleeve back to retrieve his timepiece is when he is reaching for his gun. Same principle applies except one is slightly more sensitve.
Not that I’m gay or anything, because I’m not, but long, untamed hair resting gingerly above one’s upper lip is the epitome of masculinity, in my humble, enthusiastically heterosexual opinion. A naked lip is the equivalent of an inexperienced pup. Or a cop, especially if he’s Black.
Enough money for food.
My teenage years were plagued with asking the homies to buy my food. Until I began working. Then when they asked for me to kick in, I told them niggas to kiss my ass, because men are silently obligated to keep other men on their toes. It’s our civic duty.
Seriously, keep a woman around. Not just to thwart rumors and avoid controversy, but because today’s society is such a rainbow coalition that other men only recognize you by the proximity you have to the nearest camel toe or vaginal canal.
A sports team.
In all my years of movie observation, I’ve noticed that terrorists never root for sports teams. I imagine it’s that way in real life. If I think it, all men do, too. Root for a team or be labeled a terrorist. Who knows how that will turn out, but why take the chance, bro?
Words by Tony Grands
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