Hip Hop Culture for Grown-Ups
I think I speak for at least 60% of men worldwide when I say I utterly, transparently love boobs. Have so since I was a wee lad. As far back as I can remember I have the fondest memories of glorious mammories. Boob worship is nothing new, but seems to be at an all time high lately, fueling a noticeable influx of breast augmentation nationwide…as if the substitute us any match for the real thing. No way, hose A. I like my BBWs big and natural, but that’s neither here nor there.
As a lover of science, I also believe there is more to man’s attraction to breasts than just overzealous thirst and I have a few theories. And none of them are creepy.
We were breastfeed and don’t know it.
This makes sense on a couple of different levels. And it explains the natural urge to want to cuddle up to them when they’re close. Perhaps our relationship with breasts is based more on survival and instinct than desire and lust. You ever see a hungry baby when he smells his food near? Men have the same primal response, we just learn how to tame it before adulthood. Most of us. Fellas, the next time your lady catches you peeking down a cleavage ravine that doesn’t belong to her, don’t hesitate to blame your ancestors and evolution.
They really do make great pillows.
A nice, plump set of boobs is like heaven to the heavy head of modern man. With so many worries and constant stressors live streaming their way into our daily routines, lady-lumps are physically and symbolically the anti-masculine comfort we need to recharge our foreboding fuel cells to fight the good fight the following day. That was a mouthful. (They should be, too…)
Men like big shit. Guns, rims, titties.
For better or worse, men love huge things. You see it in movies, on TV, in real life, on porn, everywhere. Having the biggest is regarded as social status, and in terms of a woman’s breasts being used for showmanship, it’s really not meant objectify the woman by any means. And it’s probably mere coincidence that the first thing a rich man buys for his current lover is big set of shiny new boobs. I’m sure he’d buy her a gun instead if she asked. Go outside and look out the window and you’ll see exactly what I mean when I say men like big shit. Titties are no different. In fact, titties would probably be number 1. If they’re number 2, guns are number one. Even when they sag a little, that just accentuates the awesomeness.
They exude authority.
Certain things demand the respect of the general public. If you see a man walking with a ferocious dog, you stare, then you get the fuck out of his way. Big boobs require the same amount of attention and energy, and they exude the same aura of authority as that ferocious dog. Think about the last time you saw a huge set of knockers directly in front of you: you stared, and then you got the fuck out of the way. Even Mary Poppins had a decent pair. Because she was running shit. Or so it seemed.
Titty-slaps are the best thing ever.
With all due respect, you haven’t experienced manhood in its unmitigated entirety until a woman has straddled you in a manner that her breasts repeatedly slap you in the face during intercourse. I’ve heard old ladies say that this position is a surefire method to get a woman pregnant, so approach with caution.
Now go, set forth on your own mission to find your own pair of soft, big, authoritative jugs to slap you in the face during sex. If you pay any bills, you deserve it..
Words by Tony Grands
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