Beef. Not only is it what’s for dinner in most American households on a regular basis (which leads us to be deemed the fattest country on the planet) but it’s also slang for when 2 or more entities have conflict with one another.
Beef can be political, institutional, etc. It knows no bounds. But the most unfavorable of all beefs, however, is workplace beef. “Why?” you ask? Because the workplace is inescapable. You literally have to be there, unless you’d rather not wear clothes, eat food, or enjoy life in any way, shape, or form. If only for this reason of structural social survival, I say avoid workplace beef at all costs.
Beef at the workplace can begin in a variety of ways. It can begin over something as trivial as a parking space or something as momentous as a three-way office love affair. Workplace beef is also dangerous because you usually spend more time with these motherfuckers than with your own family and believe it or not, they can make your day-to-day activity hell if you let them. Fuck all that, though. I’m here to help you avoid that.
In a certified, unmitigated effort make your work life as easy and stress-free as possible, check out these 5 ways to deal with workplace beef like a boss.
5. Ignore It
The most commonly tactic. A technique usually developed in elementary school to survive bullying and/or getting dissed by pretty girls (or guys…). In this instance, just avoid the douche you have the problem with. It should be easy, too, because if you’re anything like me, you’re at work simply to collect the stream of revenue. Friendships should have been established long before you started working at this shit hole. If you’re at work searching for new friendships, you’ve made a few wrong turns post-high school and should be more concerned with your pitiful social status than with beefing with a coworker. Unless part if your job specs are dealing with bullshit, be the bigger beefer and avoid the beefee. Just saying…
4. Get Them Fired
It may sound a bit hasty, but you’ve no time to tread lightly. Eliminate the threat, just like they do in the action movies. I don’t suggest murder or any real criminal act, because that will only compound your original issue, but get as close as possible without breaking the law. Plant some drugs or stolen items and then rat on ’em like a 5 year little sister. Or dime them out about that secret relationship between him and the security guard. Whatever it takes to get the desired effect – without committing crime – do it. Time is of the essence.
3. Leverage By Blackmail
There is a pretty good chance that you know personal information about some of your coworkers. And not lame info, like how many illegitimate children he has or how low his credit score is. I mean actual, pertinent info that could be damaging to his reputation if found out. Off-set the power struggle by reminding him you know shit that the others don’t. This should keep him at proverbial arms distance for any future riffing. Bear in mind, however, that this could easily swing back the other way, and he could potentially blow the whistle on you if he has the ammunition. I don’t suggest this method unless your hands are truly clean.
2. Location Transfer
Sometimes it’s better to leave. Not only does this work in marriage, but at work as well. As long as you’re not employed by some hole-in-the-wall company that doesn’t have options for movement, bounce. Skidattle. Kick rocks. Be out. Better to go and plant new seeds than to stay and continue tending to dead roots. Granted, while this option is probably the least fun, it is realistically the most effective.
1. Swift And Blinding Violence
Nothing more needs to be said. Save this for the last resort. Keep in mind that there is a 98% chance that you will no longer be employed and may face prison time. Proceed with extreme prejudice and caution.
If none of these is applicable, rest assured that Friday comes at the same time each week and at least you have that meager hook to hang your hopes on.
Words by Tony Grands
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