As summer approaches and you’ve long broken up with all your girlfriends to further weigh your bachelored options, remember that there is more to this game than just knocking down pawns. (See what I did there?) You gotta be careful not to get entangled and ensnared in webs and nets that could otherwise be avoided.
Many men plunge to their eternal, slow-motion doom because they weren’t fully equipped or prepared when beginning the valiant mission of sowing their wild oats. They ambush life in search of fun and adventure and inadvertently get captured, living the remainder of their sloth-like existence in utter confusion. Don’t be like those men.
In an effort to save mankind from himself, we’ve presented a short list of women to avoid while attempting to sow your wild oats. Because there’s nothing worse than having your oats tamed against your will.
The Mommy Dearest has no choice but to be everyone’s mother. She was unintentionally designed to be that way through thousands upon thousands of man-hours taking care of her dozen siblings. She never had much of a social life because she was too busy changing diapers, cooking dinner, cleaning the house, doing her homework, and holding down the household while mom worked. Or partied. Same difference. She’s been telling motherfuckers what to do for 3/4s of her life and I guarantee you’ll be treated no differently, my friend, regardless of how you “put it down” in the bedroom. It’s important to remember that she’s not bossy, she’s just used to being in charge. Nevertheless avoid her at all costs unless you really don’t mind a woman telling you what to do all the time. She’ll command you into a committed relationship before you can muster up the courage to talk back loud enough.
Even as being a professional babymomma seems to be going out of style (it may have something to do with the influx of openly gay relationships but that’s just a theory), there are still multitudes of women roaming free who don’t see anything wrong with having a bunch of kids by random guys. I’ve come to learn that these women aren’t even necessarily in it to profit from their offspring, they just don’t see nothing wrong with a little bump and grind resulting in going half on a baby. Avoid becoming a link in this chain of fuckery (unless you’re about that reality show life), or find yourself sitting at the Baby Daddy’s table at family functions, a situation that usually ends in fist-fighting. And the more babydaddies present, the greater the odds of you getting stabbed in the ribs with a spork and arrested for trespassing. Nah.
Statue of Liberty
This strong-willed, self-motivated beacon of hope is the glowing leader of all the helpless and harmless women she blesses with her cosmic presence. She’s independent and stoic and doesn’t need a man for shit. Her masculine attitude gives her a gay-ish aura, but she seems interested in you for now, so take her sexuality at face value. You won’t be able to woo her with what you have, because not only does she have bigger and better, but she got it on her own and truly doesn’t need yours.
She may often talk about purchasing expensive concert tickets or what she does for her mom every Mother’s Day as examples of her unyielding power.
To survive, stay in your lane, or risk getting put out in traffic, so to speak. In fact, don’t even give her the impression that you need a ride. Just buckle up and be prepared to get dropped off whenever she realizes you can’t kick in on gas money.
As young men, we often dream of the day when we find a young lady with an insatiable, never-ending sexual appetite. Little do we know then, wading in the bliss of youthful stupidity, that this is like playing with fire. Because you could actually get burnt, but that’s neither here nor there. Nope, on second thought, that’s here. Definitely here.
True story: I got with a girl and later found out she’d had sex with at least 12-15 of my close associates at the time right before becoming my girl. Prior to knowing about her whoring around, I was mesmerized by the frequent, awesome, porn clip sex we had. Once I knew she was basically a freelance prostitute, her promiscuity made sense. She had a clinical problem and needed professional help and had I not barrel-rolled in time, I would’ve been another casualty. Fuck all that.
I’ve learned the higher the sex drive the more the need to investigate, and as long as you can keep that in mind, you’ll be fine, and hopefully, infection and unwanted baby-free.
Unlike the other examples, the bag lady has no uniform nor theme song nor distinguishing marks with which you can identify her by. The bag lady has strategically placed walls around her shit, internally AND externally, so it’s guarded from – and sometimes invisible to – the naked eye. There are not-so-obvious signs that she is carrying all her problems, woes, worries, and issues from the past in one gigantic proverbial sack, but those indicators vary from person to person. The easiest way to avoid volunteering to help a bag lady carry all her shit is by taking the time to see what’s what. Read the question before you start trying to figure out the answer, if that makes sense. Similar to the sex fiend, a high sex drive should serve as a red flag, just in case. Better safe than sorry.
Also, don’t drink and drive.
Words by Tony Grands
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