8 Scientific Reasons That Prove Dogs Are Not People


For what it’s worth, I believe dogs and technology will both revolt at approximately the same time in the future. We – the humans – are so stuck on a future where we’ll be battling robots to save our souls that we completely overlook all the abuse, neglect, and pressure we put on our dogs. Remember dogs? Man’s best friend? Best believe that he’s been watching what’s going on in the world too, and though it may not be as articulate as Siri or Google, to tell us that we are what the fuck is wrong with the world, it can still show us. I believe it will.

The problem is, though, that so many humans consider dogs their equal that they have effectively created a perpetual weak link in humanity’s chain. I’ll liken it to letting a vampire come live with you. A real nice vampire with good manners and all, who is loyal and clean and respectful. If ever the opportunity arises for that good, decent, domesticated vampire to turn on you, it won’t even be a fight because you’ve already convinced yourself that he is your equal. Hell, you may gladly lie still while he rips into your throat, because that’s what friends do for one another. Get the fuck out of here.

Okay, that scenario may be a bit overblown but listen. Dogs are NOT people. I understand some folks will disagree, for hundreds of considerable, tangible reasons, but that doesn’t change scientific fact. Dogs bark and eat what we drop on the floor. That isn’t opinion, that’s fact. The case should be closed, but nope. Not quite, not yet. Dogs are not people, and today I will attempt to further prove it with 8 reasons backed by science.


8. They Don’t Help With the Bills
This particular reason could actually also be spun into reasons people are animals, but I don’t have that kind if time on my hands today. If you’re just lazing around, loafing at my feet, not kicking in on any of the expenses, you’re just there merely for companionship. In essence, that’s what pet life is all about. People contribute, dogs get feed. Of course there are exceptions to the rule, but listen. The day a rottweiler puts some money on the kitchen table towards its owner’s gas bill is the day I change my tune. And I ain’t talking about winning a dog fight or pageant, folks.

7. No Fingers Or Thumbs
This leaves them unable to perform basic functions like pressing buttons or opening sandwich bags. Things people must do to survive daily. Barking is great at warding off evil doers and birds and scaring babies but unless it’s a supersonic bark that can shatter glass it won’t help me get inside if I’ve lost my keys doing something like walking my dog. Because dogs aren’t people and need to be taken to “use the bathroom.”

6. They Can’t Talk
The main functionality that separates humans from all other living entities is our ability to communicate through words. And religion. And murder, but I’m getting ahead of myself. Speaking is the simplest form of communication. Animals can’t talk, and even if one is clever enough to learn, that doesn’t negate the fact that I pay bills and taxes and it can’t. So don’t put that furball on my uneven playing field. There is a level of social respect that animals just cannot reach, no matter how hard we try to will it, even if they wear pants and watch TV.

5. You Can Buy Them
Though the Internet may try to convince you otherwise, it is not possible to buy a human being. And if by some strange stroke of post-Civil War fate you happen to do so, watch your back. In 2015 that’s called Human Trafficking and the government allegedly frowns on that type of thing. A big, federal penitentiary frown that could change your life forever. Meanwhile, on a busy street corner in broad daylight, for 55 bucks I can purchase a dog with PTSD whose owner chopped off its tail and ears, without the slightest concern of legal ramification. Not to say it’s legal, but let’s see you try a similar transaction with a baby. Especially a White one. No, I’m not playing the race card, I’m just pointing out the obvious.


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