For those who aren’t aware, millennials are the class of human who will have come into young adulthood around or shortly after the year 2000. These folks are also referred to as “generation Y,” for whatever reason.
These kids rode into their adult years on the front end of a technological revolution that granted them the luxury of being the first generation to not have landlines at home. The first generation that doesn’t need to remember phone numbers and dates. The first generation to be able to meet people and build relationships without leaving the house. This is where society began to crumble. Years later, as millennials break free from their digital lives to seek real-world companionship, many of them find they lack the basic personal skills to hold ground level conversations with other people in real life. This is an actual thing. Welcome to the future.
While the ability to dominate the digital realm has become second nature to them, in general, the millennial has been dealing with society through a series of social media updates, inbox catfights, and Youtube video comment section battles for most of their life. There’s a good chance that immediate family may be there only true bridge to brick and mortar humanity. It wasn’t a problem until now. Now, they’re looking for love, but have no clue what to do when they see it. Hopefully TGDC can offer a little insight.
Are you a lovelost millennial man without the slightest clue on how to act with a real girl on a date? Read on…
“Wear clean shoes.”
This is quite possibly the first thing that a woman notices about you. Aside from your odor, but more about that later. Society has you believing that you need a crispy pair of Js, or some sparkling new Ferragamos to impress the ladies. Nah. What you really need are some clean ass shoes that don’t look like you walk everywhere. Even if, in fact, you do walk everywhere. Hit up your local grocery store if you need supplies to keep your kicks in order. Go to the aisle where they sell shit for your house.
“Make sure you smell good.”
I’m pretty sure at some point in my life, in some random class that taught me nothing in preparation for real life, I read something about odors attracting the opposite sex. I believe the hormones are called pheromones. I’m not a scientist or a chemist or a biologist so I can’t rightfully tell you how to crank that shit up, but I’m old enough and wise enough to know that the man that smells good easily gives the appearance of being clean and user-friendly. It’s kind of like new car smell for men. Best believe when you come within arms distance of a chick who doesn’t know you she’s sniffing away, even if you don’t recognize it. If you do, you may mistake it for a cocaine addiction, and end the date abruptly, so be careful. But most chicks are crafter than that, anyway. Don’t let your friends tell you where to buy cologne, though, because they’ll have you spending what’s left of your check — after your school loans and child support payments are garnished — on a date with a girl you probably will not have sex with anyway. Your best bet is to hit a spot like Marshalls or Ross or Kohls. You don’t have to spend a hundred dollars to smell like more than 5.
“Regulate your sense of humor.”
The thing about a sense of humor is that everybody doesn’t have one. Then you have some whose sense of humor is a bit more ridiculous or creepy than others. If you can’t make a woman laugh, the second best thing you can do is not laugh too much at what she says. It’s creepy. On a woman, laughter is cute. Unless she snorts and gaffaws like a mule with allergies. However, on a man, too much laughter denotes a bit of bipolarism, and depending on the severity of the chuckle, it may also give a slight hint of schizophrenia. This isn’t to say that women can’t be hilarious, but in my travels I’ve found that women are generally more unintentionally hilarious than actually haha hehe funny. No shots ladies, I love all yall. Perhaps even worse is the opposite end of the spectrum, the dead-staring fellow who wouldn’t know a humor if it ate his “booty like groceries.” If that’s you, use her facial cues as to when you should at least smile pleasantly or, if all else fails, grin and nod when she grins and nods.
“Avoid talk about finance.”
There are a multitude of reasons why you shouldn’t start talking about money on the first date. The only discussion of finance that should occur should be in regards to who is footing the bill. And this particular discussion should take place long before you start burping and asking the waitress for a second helping of endless Coca Cola. Whether you’re working or in between gigs, she probably makes more money than you do. She knew that when she pulled into the parking lot. If she’s smart, she has no expectation on your earning ability. She should be there just to make a friend. Therefore, all the interesting financial circumstances that you are currently embroiled in have zero place in tonight’s loosey goosey kickback convo. If she starts talking about goals, be sure and continually steer the narrative towards what you want to be when you grow up, and avoid what it is you’re doing right now, unless, of course, you’re doing awesome things. Most people are not. Most people doing awesome things don’t worry about first dates because they’ve got better shit to do then find someone to be tied down to, but that’s neither here nor there. As you get to know each other, she’ll eventually find out what your life is like and her disappointment will be 100% natural.
“Don’t stare at her boobs.”
I’ve doled out tons of advice throughout the thousands of days I have roamed the planet. But this simple piece of advice is by far the most difficult I’ve had to either give or utilize personally. Any man who loves women loves women. It’s theoretically impossible for us not to look at boobs. We come from boobs. Before we learned how to write our names we sucked boobs. It’s inherently natural for a man I, nay, an entire generation of men to gravitate towards a pair of breasts. And in most instances they don’t even have to be spectacular, they can be a little less than ok and we still need a gander. It’s how we are hard-wired, no pun intended. I have two daughters so I attempt to fight the good fight when it comes to female objectification. Yet and still, I’m a man. And since I am a man I’m able to forewarn other men not to stare at the boobs. Again, unless you fuck up tonight, there will be plenty of times for you to make memories with those mammaries.
“Ignore any facial hair.”
Simple task. If there are any renegade hairs the hair tweezers may have skipped past, forget about it. Ignore that shit. Wipe it clean from your memory as if Will Smith just hit you with a blast from the flashy thingy from Men In Black. If it’s that bad, I strongly urge you to stop everything and end the date now. It will only get “worse,” biologically speaking.
“Don’t ask about kids, aggressively avoid conversations about children.”
It’s human nature to be curious. It almost seems automatic to ask a person how they are doing, if they are married, and how many children they own when you meet them. You may have already talked about this briefly with your potential companion. If so, leave that foul language outside of this particular excursion. Don’t start talking about kids. Conversations about kids turn into conversations about kids’ parents. The last thing you want is her venting to you about how terrible of a father her ex boyfriend is and how she’s pretty sure he’s going to still be the same turd when he comes home from prison. Pardon my french, fuck all that. Equivocally, you don’t want to start telling stories about how much you hate your babymamas because she will surely use your position in those diatribes to judge the type of douchebag you really are. A woman’s intuition never turns off. It’s an awesome superpower that I’ve yet to fully understand, but I get it. Oh yeah, I get it. Avoid talking about the kids. Aggressively.
“Don’t be too flirty.”
Plainly put, too much flirting is creepy. Especially when the woman doesn’t know you. Too much creepy flirting is borderline rapey, and that’s a brand new set of problems that I am NOT attempting to address. Don’t be too forward and pushy with sexual innuendos. For example, let’s say you order dinner and she happens to have a banana with her dinner. Needless to say, that should not be the highlight of your jokes. Things like that will not only turn a woman off but also have her make sure that her cell phone is turned on. Let that type of thing evolve naturally as it should anyway. Save the aggression for your ps4.
“No politics, no Hip Hop, no religion.”
I believe that sometimes women bait men into certain types of conversations to intentionally find lines to read between. This is a skill they later use to catch cheating ass boyfriends and lying ass teenage kids. Sometimes it’s best to avoid sensitive topics that can easily turn into opinionated shout matches that have absolutely nothing to do with general conversation. Opinions on religion, politics, and even music can be tell-tale signs of the piece of shit that you are trying so hard to costume on this date. So don’t talk about that stuff. Talk about movies, TV shows, and books. Women love books. If you actually read book that’s even better. But if I have to tell you to read a book, shame on you to begin with.