Quickies: 5 Life Hacks For Surviving The Perpetual Workday


This is dedicated to those of us that weren’t smart enough to become drug kingpins or talented enough to get rich for doing nothing; the worker. Take solace in knowing our slavery means our kids have medical benefits and, hopefully, one day we’ll retire, only to mope around the house feeling useless until we quietly have a stroke one day while sitting on the toilet.

In the meantime, use these 5 workplace life hacks to hold on to your sanity every day for the next 35 or so years.

5. Find things to do. The busier you are, the faster your day will appear to go. This works perfectly for jobs with a fair share of monotony. But be warned, if management notices your awesome work ethic, you will be taken advantage of, I promise. Tread with caution. Don’t let them turn you into a robot.

4. Do not bring personal items to work. They’ll only remind you of home. Assuming you don’t hate your family, home is absolutely where you’d rather be. No pictures, no trophies, no momentos, nothing. Block all that shit out of your mind when you clock in, bruh.

3. Avoid relationships with coworkers. Realistically there’s nothing inherently wrong with making connections with colleagues, just keep it as work-related as possible. The more you like those people, the more comfy you’ll become, and that’s exactly what management wants. You won’t mind mandatory overtime if you feel lile you’re “hanging with the homies.”

2. Eat lunch in your car. Separate yourself from the bunch as often as possible to avoid group-think, which leads to blind complacency and becoming a sheeple. Management is banking on this process occurring sooner rather than later.

1. Keep a low profile but shine brightly. No need to make unnecessary noise. Do what you’re paid to do, excel at it, and let your work be your mouthpiece. Know where the rumor mill is and walk around it until avoiding it altogether becomes automatic. As many a general has told his troops, lay low and keep firing.

–Tony Grands


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