Girls go through massive physical, psychological, and emotional changes on their journey while boys, just kinda grow monkey-like hair and their voices deepens. Emotionally and psychologically, our — men — journey stretches out over years, taking about double the time as a woman’s.
In fact, men don’t generally even know our maturation period is over until it is pointed out to us, or we kinda come to that conclusion by accident.
Well, as usual, TGDC is here for y’all.
Do you wonder if your mom is right when she says you need to grow up? Are you tired of your little brother loaning you money? It may be time to stop squabbling with the reality that, after a 30-something year process, adolescence is unfortunately over.
Take a look at these 9 undeniable signs that you’re no longer a boy and figure out where you stand.
You know you’re no longer a boy when you’d rather fall back and be quiet than jump up and cause commotion. So many years spent trying to prove points, it becomes second nature. Until that day a man realizes he’ll never win all the battles.
You know you’re no longer a boy when you stop wearing hats for fashion and start wearing them to mask your thinned, retreating crown. You may have even expanded beyond baseball caps to straw hats and Fedora-styled joints for variety and social camouflage. At that point, teams and logos are irrelevant. You just need a safe place for your balding to occur.
You know you’re no longer a boy when a nice watch and cologne is a more formidable purchase than fancy shoes and a matching hat. Hats and shoes are like a cars, an immediate loss in value. However a decent timepiece is an investment that can be reinvested or handed down. And cologne? Forgetaboutit…
You know you’re no longer a boy when you look at young girls and instead of seeing canvases of after-hours fun, you see girls who remind you of your nieces or your daughters. What you once preyed after, you now pray over. Man has no control over the evolution of his filters.
You know you’re no longer a boy when young see young punks and dont want to be bothered with their foolery. There was a time when their foolery and untethered ridiculousness was a way of life for you, albeit probably not as hair-brained… Now you just want them to hurry the hell up and cross the damn street before your foot becomes too heavy to hold.
You know you’re no longer a boy when you meet women and actually ponder the possibilities of investing time, effort, energy, and maybe even money on her. Or with her. For her? Eh, you understand what I’m talking about. Funny how you never start thinking about long term relationships until you start thinking about long term relationships. Chew on that for a spell.
You know you’re no longer a boy when you’ll gladly trade a night of raucous indignity for an afternoon of quiet leisure with people you love. All the bright lights and loud noises of yesteryear become the ambient buzzes and whirs of memory lane. That point comes, one day, when you have better shit to do than not having better shit to do. Even if that better shit is really nothing at all.
You know you’re no longer a boy when staying up all night is no longer an option. The forced insomnia of your reckless youth has been replaced by the sensible yawns of a person who has to wake up in the morning and be somewhere. It even seems like the older you get, the less interesting shit there is on TV after midnight. Unless you count porn. Because porn.
You know you’re no longer a boy when you come to the painful conclusion that sneakers don’t go with every outfit. It’s a dope expression of individualism to wear a tuxedo and basketball shoes at 19. At your kid’s 6th grade graduation or grandmother’s funeral, though, it looks like you’re suffering from “arrested development.” Sadly this probably won’t be realized until you’re out shopping for a pair of LeBrons to match a sweater you purchased for Easter Sunday.