Hip Hop Culture for Grown-Ups
We all know a cat who has a girlfriend/wife and a sidechick and a babymomma and a play cousin, the list of amicable titles goes on and on.
The point is that men, a healthy handful of them, can’t seem to stay tied down to one chick. Much like our snacks and sports channel packages, we need a plethora to keep us satiated. That means there is a nation of side relationships brewing ‘neath society’s bubbly surface. When you see a woman today, know that there’s a 50% chance of her being a sidechick and she may not even be aware.
But in 2016, the rules will change. They already have. For every 4 or 5 sidechicks roaming aimlessly betwixt broken hearts and prenatal doctor visits there are 2-3 guys who are the side dude, have been so for a while, and are completely oblivious to this being the case. It’s not spoken about prominently on rap songs and reality TV, so we don’t hear about it much. But oh yeah, there are side dudes out there; unwilling participants in their mistress’ pandering plot. Merely a pawn in her game of Chest.
Fellas, do you have questionable views of your current relationship? Do you feel like you’re not a priority? Now may be the time to question your status. Your importance. Ask yourself, are YOU a side dude?
Let’s find out. I’d hate for you to start 2016 on a bad note…
You might be a side dude if she never wants you to drive when it’s time to go out. She always comes to pick you up, not to mention that it’s usually an obscure hour. You’ve offered to scoop her in your whip and take her out numerous times but no dice. There’s always an excuse or a reason to possibly have to leave earlier than was previously planned. It’s an escape route, sir. She doesn’t want you to drive because she knows where her main dude is at all times. As long as she’s that navigator and not the navigatee, she’s in control. Think, long and hard. Are you side dude?
You might be the side dude if she’s always bragging and boasting about her nappy headed little crumb snatching babies but you’ve yet to even smell one in the car, much less meet one in person. She goes on and on about how much she loves her kids, yet this entire time even though you ask you haven’t met them. It’s almost as if she’s ashamed. I’m sure you’re not complaining (at least if you’re smart you’re not), but the fact still remains. See, those little bastards could possibly blow the whistle on Mommy’s auxiliary relationship, and why fuck up a good thing with what basically amounts to self snitching? Only an idiot brings their children to the scene of the crime, so to speak.
You might be the side dude if you’ve never been to her house. You probably know where her sister lives, and where her momma lives, a couple of friends, and maybe even some cousins. But you’ve never been to her spot. She has excuses chambered for all possible scenarios, and she’ll relentlessly chuck ’em until you eventually give up asking questions, like most sidebitches people do. So far, since you’ve been “dating,” her kids have allegedly had lice twice, she’s had a ton of random relatives and homeless homies crashing on her couch, her spot has been fumigated several times, and that new carpet she supposedly got months ago still hasn’t set. As if your feet are that dirty. The lies have begun to mount, but a fat ass is the most glorious distraction of all time! Every time she comes to your house she makes you forget that you’ve never been to hers. It’s nothing short of pure genius.
You might be the side dude if you never hear her phone ring but she’s always on it texting. Granted, we’re currently living in the future. I know that texts have replaced conversations like emojis have replaced words. But steadfastly stealth conversations in unnecessary bursts from a chick you think you’re in a relationship with should be some sort of sign. She doesn’t want to talk for a reason, yet clearly this convo must continue. If you have doubts, pay closer attention to the details. Old people say that’s where God is. Is she updating Facebook? Post an IG status? Tweeting? While those social media addictions may be feasible reasons for her technical preoccupation, really though, no conversation in the world should be more important than you when she’s with you. Well…it shouldn’t be. But if it is, depending on frequency and intensity, you might be the side dude.
You might be the side dude if she never calls you by your name. She has referred to you with every cute pet name in the proverbial book, urbanized or otherwise, yet you can’t remember the last time she used your name. Your actual name. The one your mother gave you after she pooped you out. She doesn’t want to use your name because Baby or Bae or Sweetie fits all men of all occasions. She doesn’t have to remember a name if all you motherfuckers have the same one. So not to confuse herself in the heat of passion or the heart of bewilderment, she calls all of y’all the same shit. For the record, this crafty technique is used by men and women alike. I’m just saying.
You might be the side dude if she doesn’t care that you have a side chick. In my years of dealing with the female species, I’ve come to the conclusion that most women would rather not share their personal penis. The average chick is not in a hurry to be the sole proprietor of communal cock. Generally speaking, a woman who doesn’t mind you blowing out other ladies’ backs on the humble should be handled with caution. Like baby feet. We all know that there are rampant diseases floating betwixt the creamy thighs of Lady Folk for as far as the eye can see. So a woman who willingly allows her dog off the leash and out of the backyard is either batshit crazy, already diseased herself, or not too concerned with what you’re doing because it’s not that important. You’re not that important. Make no mistake, there are a bunch of cool women out here who will indulge your open relationship fantasy if only for a brief moment, but for the most part, no dice, chief. Women don’t like to share guys and when they do, it’s usually not voluntarily.
You might be be the side dude if she’s extra friendly with her ex-husband or baby’s father. My time on this rock has taught me that when a woman gets dumped, she becomes a new person. As the emotional scars begin to heal, hate starts to form like foam in the corners of the mouth of a crazy person. The last thing your ex-girl or baby mama wants to be is your friend. Yes, there are exceptions to the rule. There are always exceptions to the rule. But in this situation, when you don’t necessarily have a firm footing to stand on, you can’t take anything for granted. I have a baby mother as well as a few ex-girlfriends. I’ve witnessed, first hand, the full range spectrum of love and hate. Before and after sex. If your girl, or this chick that you think is your girl is too friendly with an ex, you might be the side dude.
Take into consideration that macking these hoes isn’t a gender specific activity. There are all types of lady pimps running the streets getting their swerve on, so to speak. All I can say to you, my fellow fellows, is don’t get caught slipping, bruhs.