“There are Only Two Kinds”: An Editorial


I said it on Twitter. There are only two kinds…


A friend of mine out west responded with the concept that claiming one set of chi-chis for exclusive touching basically ends the concept of which knockers you should or shouldn’t touch for as long as you’re in that situation.

“A titty in hand is worth two in a bush,” she said.

[Phlip note: a titty in hand more often than not precludes SOMETHING in a bush…never mind that though]

But she had a point.

Men are easily amused beings, where something like breasts provide us with such an endless lineup of entertainment throughout our post-adolescent lives. Hell, one of my homegirls once responded to one of my rants on the subject that a gay dude told her that ALL men love sock puppets. That is POWER.

It stands to reason, though, that we ain’t that bright about it, though.  I am previously quoted as saying that all it takes to win an argument with a man is to pull out a boobie. Just one, and it doesn’t even have to be that impressive. Not to let anyone in on anything more than I need to, but it has happened to me before:

• at work.
• over a game of Scrabble
• in a call center.
• on the floor.
• with a witness.

It was such an effective technique that I couldn’t fucking tell you what about the game we were even disagreeing about.  Only she and one other person know the details of who, and I intend to take those details to my grave.  I PROMISE my blanking on this has more to do with the fact that there was a breast shown in such an unexpected situation than the fact that this was 13 years ago.  Trust me ladies – or take matters into your own hands and prove it for your own research (please do that!) – next time you’re in a verbal disagreement with a man, just pull one out.  He will become a stuttering, babbling, incoherent fool and you won’t even need to make any more points in the debate.


Anyway, back to home-field titties vs road titties…

Wait, do I even have a point here, or am I using this as an excuse to prattle on about titties for 5-800 words?

Seriously, though.  The concept rings true even when you replace “allowed/not allowed to” with “should/shouldn’t” up there.  When free to play the field within the confines of whatever relationship you are or aren’t in at a given time, there remains titties you can touch (as in the kind that aren’t already committed to someone else) and those you cannot (the kind that are DEFINITELY committed to being touched by someone else).  On the flip, if you yourself are committed to one particular set, then THAT set are the ones you can touch and all of the rest out there are the ones you cannot (or simply shouldn’t).

So for all the silliness contained under the discussion of the two types of titties in the world, the concept is about as true as it gets.

There are ONLY two kinds.

Words by PHLIP

Questions, comments, complaints?


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