5 Signs That You’ve Been Married For Too Long

You know you’ve been married too long when you don’t even hear the snoring anymore.

In fact, the snoring drowns out the helicopters, sirens, neighbor arguments, and babies asking for food and beverage. You know you’ve been married too long when your spouse’s invisible snoring is more comforting to your subconscious meat computer than the ambient urban backdrop of mischief and mayhem.

You know you’ve been married too long when you don’t get new meals anymore.

Exotic dishes? Forget about it. Things you can’t pronounce? Unfamiliar cuisines and such? No dice. And this isn’t a shot at the wives, who do their best, and God bless them all. This is more of a tip of the hat to the force-fed normalcy that is marriage.

So no need to “drag.” This isn’t “shade.”

You know you’ve been married too long when date night goes from weekly to monthly to…you catch my drift. And in case you hadn’t yet noticed, it’s probably been replaced with Jack-Off hour. Jack-Off hour sees a gradual increase every few years. It’s almost inevitable. Just ask your oldest cousin…

There was a time when choking the chicken was more recreational, a hobby of sorts, when you were a younger, more frivolous man (or woman). Over the years it became more utilitarian. What was once an auxiliary component in your cavalcade of carnival-like sex romop has been reduced to body’s manual operated release valve. Ha.

I speak for hundreds – no – thousands, possibly millions of men (and women) when I say we didn’t sign up for this shit.

You know you’ve been married too long when you don’t care if your partner looks at another person.

The thought of them cheating or otherwise disrespecting the relationship never even crosses your mind. Why? Because you’re likely just glad that they’re not bothering you at the moment. It’s kind of like when your person gets a new friend. Whether they’re the same sex or opposite, YOUR main concern is how long will YOUR newfound freedom last. Yes, YOUR, because as long as they’re playing with their new toy they are out of YOUR  face.

They’ll be back eventually, so relax. Don’t get too excited.

You know you’ve been married too long when it no longer matters whether or not you win arguments.

Quite some time ago – generally speaking – the battles and the wars more or less became the same thing. You’re either on the winning end of the conflict or the losing side of an already slippery slope. And as easy as it has become to graciously and gracefully accept the amount of losses a man(or woman) tallies up throughout his career of arguing with his significant other, at some point it all becomes senseless.

Pointless. A waste of what little time God grants us.

It doesn’t even matter if she’s right or if you are wrong. All that matters is that the argument ceases and whatever avenues and boulevards must be traveled, so be it. When one cares not if they win or lose they achieve a level of inner peace that no man — or woman — can dislodge. Unless she hits you with a brick or skillet and that’s not what we’re talking about today. 

Words by Tony Grands

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