‘Eight Things Charlie Sheen Needs Right Now’

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‘Kim, Nicki, US, & The Koreans’

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I’m not one to get all political without a good joke being involved, but this new direction of Korean conflict seems like some well-intended world un-diplomacy nonsense gone horribly out of control. As a result, America’s now positioning itself to rub elbows with China, in order to help North & South Korea sift through their differences & come to an amicable solution. Even though people have started dying already. These are differences that should’ve at least been third party-governed by now, which may serve as the subplot to the actual war; no longer are “lesser” nations “afraid” of America. But, that’s neither here no there. Not yet, at least.

North Korea is lobbing artillery shells at it’s timid little brother. Fact. I’d equate it to 2 brothers who share a room & decide that one of them has to go, by any means necessary. But the door is locked, & not that many passers-by care what’s going on in the room, if you smell my cologne. The point is that these 2 countries are too close to hate each other, & for the most part, any battles that occur will do little more than destroy all things collateral. For example, imagine those brothers’ room after the aforementioned ousting takes place.

America must now play the part of the (global) P.E. coach that escorts the quarrelling parties to the gym for a mediated exchange of fisticuffs. It’s good to know we still have some authority, but we honestly have more important situations to clean up. Really though, aside from the whole “War On Terror” campaign, America doesn’t have the resources to fight wars that don’t belong to us. At least not until houses stop getting stolen & people can live “normal” lives again.

After WikiLeak.com’s latest digital homeland attack happened in real-time for the world to see, it’s leaders aren’t going to be so quick to let us hang out with them, so to speak. Especially now that our own domestic terrorism situation is becoming more tangible by the literal season.

& not for nothing, but if China wasn’t so heavily attached to North Korea, I doubt we’d even be in South Korea playing games & shit.

That said…

Do these broads have beef, or do we–the audience–want them to have beef & they’re dumb enough to fall into it? I think that’s a legitimate question. Either way, the ego’s are revving & the bra’s are off, for the most (important) part.

Believe me when I tell you that #NickiVsKim is all Twitter’s been harping on since #PinkFriday. Me being the cynical bystander God intended for me to be, I’ve gathered enough intelligence to surmise who the winner will be, when the smoke clears…

The winner is Hip Hop.

Battles are what fuel the competitive nature of the sport. If rap didn’t have that “winner take all!” ethos attached to it, it would be jazz. [Sidenote: Yes, I said it again. Rap is *this* far from being jazz. Unless WE do something about it.] What happens, though, is that in the wrong hands, that competition becomes confusion & conflict, & subsequently someone yelling out, “Niggas cain’t have shit!” from the back row. What Nicki Minaj & Lil Kim have done, aside from having thousands of teenage boys marathon-yanking over their keyboards, is revitalize a healthy sense of “I’m better than you.” Of course, I’ll eat my words of they run into each other at a spa or whatever & duke it out like the hoodrats we know they really are, but I doubt that’ll happen. Silicone tits & Indonesian lace fronts aren’t cheap accessories.

People are going to pick a “winner” based on whatever bullshit logic they base their opinions on. But I haven’t heard this many people, across my spectrum of associates, so outspoken about something Hip Hop-related since MBDTF, which wasn’t long ago at all, but my point remains. There’s entirely too much music to get excited for no valid reason. So when everybody & their ghosttweeter are saying the same thing, it must mean something. Just saying.

[Sidenote: In closing, I vote for Nicki & Kim to baby-oil up & wrestle to the death in a tub of ice water. Read that again, if necessary. In fact, I insist.]

Hustling For 2

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^that’s where she carries stolen goods & babies…

For what’s it worth, my wife isn’t a punk. I’ve seen her defend her position, stand up to people, & perhaps more importantly, to a not-so-easy-to-deal-with me back when I was not so easy to deal with. However, the most gangsta thing I’ve ever seen her do was give birth. Actually, that goes for any woman who’s endured something that, if left to a man to do, would have become extinct quite some time ago. Indeed, I’m not alone in saying fuck carrying children in my body. No offense to anyone, but yeah, wouldn’t be happening. At least not with me. If men were the ones who could get pregnant, believe there would be a lot less people on Earth, & prostitution would probably be the only job in the world. Smoke that, if you like.

Thing is, when women get pregnant, their hormones intensify their personality, be it for better or worse. I’ll liken it to a constant adrenaline rush, with differing effects depending on the environment. Psycho babble aside, your girl, when she’s pregnant, is like if she had a twin sister with dependency issues, chemical imbalances, no monies to purchase her meds, & no way to get the hell outta your house & back to her own. Again, no offense. I kid to an extent.

January Newport, a 24-year-old pregnant chick from Dayton, Ohio, was arrested last week for allegedly thieving some computer stuff from a Walmart in Cinncinati. That’s fishy to me from the gate (no pun intended), because all the pregnant girls I’ve know most definitely steal baby clothes &/or granny pannies from Target (usually as a combo plate), but never electronic devices from Walmart. Walmart has door-greeters, & not many things are more distracting than some 200-year-old White man with the Grim Reaper standing behind him looking at his watch. Then again, I’m sure they do things differently in Ohio.

Maybe she was going to start a website from home or whatever, especially since she’s pregnant & that would have been income for her seed. But on second thought, a pregnant broad doing any type of crime, especially one that involves a getaway plan, is clearly not that bright to begin with. Hell, we all know she was going to sell it, but to buy what is the question. Nonetheless, she was arrested, & with an obvious sentence ahead of her, the medical staff prepared Ms. Newport for a C-section birth. Here’s what proves that more women should be in our armed forces, though; she had a cache of prescriptions pills in her bikini biscuit, ready for (more) smuggling. [Sidenote: “More,” as in she’d been in custody long enough to have poo’d out a few dollars worth of narcotics before getting busted.] I’m not sure if I’m ashamed of her ghettorific nigganometry, or secretly proud of her ‘Little Engine That Could’ attitude, but either way, she’s tougher than a lot of people I know (self included, if only because I’ve had a catheter installed in, & then removed from my urethra before. Exactly).

There was no word on what’s going to happen with the baby (who may or may not be a part of the legal system as you read this), but it’s a sad day when pregnant girls get arrested for stealing electronic equipment(?!) from a well-lit department store, only to later get popped for smuggling drugs into the correctional facility, which alone holds quite a hefty sentence.

Damn. January ended this one for me.