Dear Next Generation Internet Model


Let’s be real here. The internet has ruined a few things. It was designed to be a tool to help information spread around the world, but in the process of creating such a virtual Highway, a bevy, a literal plethora of other important aspects of humanity have been trampled.

Two things the internet surely altered beyond immediate repair are the music industry and the modeling industry. Back in the day there were very few lanes for music and provocative photography to travel mainstream-ly. Subsequently what that did was force amateurs to be as professional and accurate as possible because they’d contending with legitimate competition. (No matter what field you’re referring to, this applies.) What the internet did, though, was level the playing field almost to the point that it is now concave. It doesn’t matter how good or bad you look or sound…all that matters is how hard you hustle.

In steps the internet model.

3fe3341f-d63d-4a63-aa2a-dbc2e6902b07.13045789_503730536480558_364362310_n.mp4 The internet model is a savvy, digital hustler who has probably been watching various sorts of get money schemes her entire life, kinda like a real-life elective class. The moment she realized men will pay to look at her jiggle her wigglies, it was on and cracking, as the young people say.

The first generation internet models were basically strippers and pornstars and magazine models, so they were already ahead of the game as far as financing their sexual services. They monetized man’s fantasies before the dot com era and are the trailblazers of the avenues created for today’s thots and rats to shake their way into our collective hearts. And sometimes, pants.

But here’s the thing…

The internet model game has exploded over the past couple of years. For the most part, any girl — and I do pretty much mean any — with viable breasts and a sizable butt feels a need to force her figure upon our non-judgemental screens.

(Not that I’m complaining. God bless lascivity. Hell, if I were born a woman, I’m pretty sure that not only would I be a whore, but I’d probably have dozens of children by dozens of different men. My proclivity for promiscuity would know no bounds. And thusly so, I would also probably be rich. Which brings me back to the next generation of Internet models.)

I definitely understand the hustle. The hustle, however, has become saturated and it seems that the players are becoming somewhat lazy. This is coming from a veteran creep an aficionado. I spend countless minutes, no, probably hours looking at women online throughout the week. This is not counting weekends, where sometimes I go extra hard to make up for moments lost amidst the work week. All of this gives me the authority to say the following…

Dear next generation Internet models, I need you to buy better cameras. I can’t enjoy your work if I’m squinting because if it’s too fuzzy, it’s like masturbating to a memory. That defeats the purpose. I know you get PayPal money, because I see your registration to all the gift websites in your bio. Take a small portion from your weave fund and upgrade that phone. Your dedicated fans, and even the non-paying ones demand it. I should be able to see stretch marks without giving myself a headache.

I also noticed this next generation of Internet model isn’t concerned with their facial appearance. And I say this with all due respect. I mean, they know we’re tuning in to check out assets so the fact that their face may be a liability doesn’t seem to come into the equation. Ladies, I’m here to tell you that it does come into the equation. Granted, I’m here to see your ass talent, but have the common decency to throw on some lipstick. At least some lip gloss. Put your hair in a ponytail for Hugh Hefner’s sake. Don’t just show up to the party and jump in front of the camera like your fresh off of a power nap. Because even though I don’t know you, in my mind, you are my girlfriend for the next however many minutes. The least you could do is look presentable while I’m visiting. Keep it classy, ladies. Please.

And, if I may say this without sounding harsh, if you know you aren’t that attractive yet feel the incessant need to pursue a career as an internet model, act accordingly. Seriously. There’s really no reason to smile all up in the camera if you don’t have the type of face that belongs all up in the camera, especially when that’s not the reason the people came. (You see what I did there?) Some of these women have bodies like goddesses but faces like the grill of a Honda Odyssey and either dont think we’ll notice or couldn’t care less.

This attitude seems to be a growing trend.

The fact that I’m not that easy on the eyes will be overlooked by the amount of cake and ice cream I supplied the party with.

Maybe, maybe not, but why even take that chance?

All I’m asking, next generation Internet model, is that you keep it real with yourself and in that process you will be, in essence, keeping it real with me as well. That’s the easiest way to achieve social harmony.

And just as an afterthought, if you know your asscheeks a full of scars, acne marks, knife wounds, and bullet holes, the outfit you’re wearing on camera needs to be A-plus. Top Notch. Because stretch marks are sexy. Tiger stripes of milfy experience. They are indicative of maturity, growth. Bullet scars and knife-caused keloids, however, are indicative of danger and the possibility of harm or injury. Keep these things in mind, for future reference. The same theory applies to your background scenery. Your ice cream and cake is only as yummy as the bathroom mirror is clean.

Next generation Internet model, this comes not from a place of criticism or complaint, but from a location of love. Computer love, word to Roger Troutman.

Words by Tony Grands