Apparently baby fever is running rampant in America right now Continue reading
When you were a boy, you couldn’t wait to grow up. To you, it looked like men were the most important people in the world. You saw the pending strength and freedom that awaited you and salivated with giddy impatience.
The flimsy piece of papyrus (shown below) is valuable beyond measure. It’s a men’s restroom toilet seat guard. It is all that protects you from open world nastiness when dropping the kids off at a public pool. For years, man has used this common public restroom accessory incorrectly. Per usual, TGDC IS here to help.
The middle portion serves as a guard to ensure your peen doesn’t come in contact with the vile, public porcelain. After removing paper guard from wall unit, fold middle perforated section frontward, toward your knees, and secure between seat opening for maximum effect. Warning: much like a condom, this will only serve as a mode of transportation to crabs, so always look before copping a squat in a public restroom.
For some of us, this changes nothing, simply because many American males choose to poop at home. But for the rest of the brave, male population that regularly makes the decision to eject their deuces at work or school, this bit of eye-opening information may be life-changing.
I overheard a conversation between a couple of women the other day. It sounded like the problem was one of the ladies couldn’t understand why her husband never wanted to go shopping with her. She stated that he had no qualms dispensing his hardhustled dollars to her to buy whatever her tattooed heart desired, but he would never go. After moments of ramble, it became clear that the issue wasn’t with him staying home, but with her self-esteem. Until she fixes that, her marital problems will continue to magnify her personal ones. Him not wanting to go shopping had nothing to do with any of this.
Had I the gumption to stick my mixing spoon in her proverbial Kool-Aid, I would have given her 5 reasons why he hates going shopping with her. And any woman for that matter. On second thought, I probably should have said something. People have committed suicide for much less.
Pray for that woman.
When you’re done praying, check out these 5 reasons men hate shopping with women.
5. Because women get a general idea of something they want or need, leisurely head to a mall, swapmeet, or shopping center, and casually browse, sometimes for hours, until they find exactly what they are hunting for. This process can take days depending on the item, mostly because women apparently hate itemized lists. Men, however, get up off of the couch, go to specific store, ask a cashier where the item is located, grab it or something that’ll work good enough for now, and go back home. 47 minute trip, including travel time and possibly stopping for gas.
4. Because no matter how old we are, no matter how much money we make at work, no matter how many crumbsnatching whippersnappers we’ve sired; if a man goes shopping with a woman, at some point we will be holding her purse. We know this. There is a chill in the air causing goosebumps to instinctively raise from our forearms right before she tells us to hold it. I can speak for all men when I say that it’s virtually impossible to look and feel any type of masculine way about yourself with an oversized hobo bag slung across your sharp-angled shoulder. No thanks. I’d rather stay home and watch football. We all would.
3. Because ex-girlfriends only leave the house when you and your girl leave the house and no man wants to see his ex while he’s out with his current. Especially if he’s a loser, who only attracts other losers, because everyone knows when a woman breaks free from her loser lover her life immediately improves vastly. Meanwhile, he — of course — is still a loser.
We He doesn’t want to see that if only for the reality that it may remind him how lame his life has become without her.
Or he could just owe her money and not want to be harassed, same difference.
2. Because women try on clothes, a scenario that can swiftly escalate and spiral out of control. The search for a pair of pants and matching top can quickly become racks worth of sampled outfits until “the perfect one” is located. While this may be a thrilling experience for the woman, the man is left to stew, motionless and vulnerable, waiting for the madness to end. See, men have 2 or 3 colors they like and usually buy all their clothes from the same place. This eliminates 68% of any unnecessary bullshit. And much like dating a Black man, once you’ve made the adaptions to living life like that, it’s hard to return to your old ways.
1. Because there will be an argument, no matter what. It doesn’t matter who is at fault nor does it matter who will be victorious. Men, most of us, try to live drama free. One surefire way to invite unwanted drama into your life is to go somewhere with a woman where she’ll undoubtedly ask for your opinion. 2 choices at that point. Lie and live happily ever after or keep it real. Men would rather avoid all this by staying home. Ladies, with all due respect, if you drag us away from cable TV and make us shop and the evening ends in a verbal altercation, it’s your fault for making us go in the first place.
Words by Tony Grands
I have two sons, ages 12 & 10. (& a daughter, plus another daughter on the way, but this isn’t about them.)
They’re right at the ripe age between innocence & puberty where their vulnerabilities are exposed for the world to see, yet the final layers of their strenghts & values are being founded & cemented. Too old for me to tell them not to cry but not old enough for me to treat them like men. Continue reading