You meet a chick, fall in “love” with her, and wife her up. But you skipped arguably the most important part. The research.
They say all is fair in love and war, but nah.
Valentine’s Day is almost here. But I’m sure you know that already, seeing as though most of you usually break up with your Cuffing Season mates between Christmas and February 14th.
For centuries, eons, man has dealt with crazy women. After years of observing and experiencing their odd, unidentifiable, irrational behaviors, it seems there’s only one true way to deal with a psycho chick.
There are 2 types of people in the world. People searching for companionship, and everyone else. Assuming you’re part of the 50% that are looking for some sort of mate, this should help ease the possible missteps of the first impression.
See, women are keen, observant, meticulous creatures. To underestimate them is to shortchange yourself. I’ve heard they can and do decide whether or not they want to even be bothered with a man’s company within moments of meeting them. For the sake of this particular discussion, let’s say it takes them about 5 minutes.
Wonder why they never text you or accept your friend request after y’all seemed to have hit it off so well at the mall’s food court? Maybe these 6 things a chick is checking out within the first 5 minutes of meeting you will help you gain some perspective.
The Condition Of Your Shoes
In most instances, I’ve found shoes to be used as a sign of status, even though it’s shallow and materialistic and downright snobby. But, through years spent purposely behind lines in the friend zone, I’ve also learned that clean shoes – regardless of make and model denote the same amount of social status as something fresh outta the box. Take notes, boys. Wipe ya shits down before you hit the street and stop worrying about waiting in line for the new Jordans.
The Length Of Your Fingernails
We all have that one homeboy that has decided to let one of his nails grow long under the urban myth that the shit somehow looks cool. He probably sports a shiny top coat, too. No dice. Granted, I understand how handy it comes in times of nose-plucking or ear-digging emergencies, but it looks terrible. And if I think so, imagine how the person who is considering giving you sex feels about it.
The Number Of Teeth You Do/Don’t Have
Women don’t look at your mouth to purposely count the missing teeth. They do it because humans have an innate reflex to look at mouths for a better means of communication. It’s natural. So the last thing you want is to be housing a mouth full of burnt sunflower seeds. President Obama has you paying for healthcare whether you like it or not, anyway. Take advantage, man. Because you can have all the slick lines in the world, but it means nothing if the inside of your mouth looks more like a parking lot than a place to eventually place one of her breasts. Sorry to break the bad news to you.
Wedding Band Tan
Most married men who cheat make the mistake of taking their ring off when it’s time to do something foul, thus only exposing their natural finger flesh to the sun’s rays periodically. This develops a tan. As for myself, I don’t wear my wedding band often. My marriage isn’t hinged upon a piece of jewelry. But I also don’t cheat, and that makes a difference. Nonetheless, I’ve experienced it firsthand, they look at your hand if they are even remotely interested.
The Words You Use
It’s obvious that some women often lower their standards when choosing a companion. No shots at the selection of dudes out there these days, but from my point of view, it’s bleak. No Memphis. In your effort to sound hip and cool, do not make the mistake of sounding so cool that you appear uneducated and unable to string together simple sentences. Slang is okay when chillin’ with the homies, but words like “thot” and “unemployed” can be a faster turn-off than the light switch in The Flash’s bedroom. You don’t need a college degree to sound like you have a high school education.
Hand Tattoos And Bullet Scars
Both of these markers denote a past life of questionable decision-making. Of course, anyone can get shot, and tattoos aren’t necessarily all that ghetto, but there’s a sense of danger and excitement when one has either. This can work to your advantage for the lovely lady who’s intrigued by bad boys, or it could be a red flag, flapping relentlessly behind you, scaring away any potential
victims partners. Conversely, be leery of a woman who is drawn to you because of those things. Unless you’re about that life. Which, obviously you are if you have them, so no worries, bro. Never mind.
If need be, use this as a guide, make the necessary roster changes, and try harder next game.
Catching a mate isn’t rocket science, but it also requires a scant degree of common sense, and there’s where the problem lies. Best believe these aren’t the only things she’ll be checking out, but if you pass this initial test, you’ll be one step closer to a having unprotected sex in your committed relationship.
Words by Tony Grands
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