“Let Your Girl Kick Your Ass.” | Manhood Mondays

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They say all is fair in love and war, but nah.

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The Evolution Of Eldrick

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I may not like golf, or condone possibly giving one’s wife the most epic gift, ever, but I’ll definitely give Eldrick “Tiger” Woods credit for not being a quitter. It’s situation’s like this that test a man’s mettle. & he’s doing it in the public eye. Fuck all that. I don’t like being wrong in the privacy of my own home, much less at a press conference with my mother unable to look me in the eye. Does he win? No dice. But he doesn’t fail, either. After all, this is Tiger Fucking Woods. If he never picks up a golf club again, there’s tons of ways his money can & will still stack. Especially if he stops caring what other people think.

1) America loves a good rehabilitation story.
-Golf has become the back story to a man without control of his own vices. He’s not the only one, just a famous one. With one huge bout of getting busted, ratted on, & beaten by his spouse (Elin did hit his ass-any wife would), he’s tapped a vein for dudes worldwide who have made similar mistakes, & look for nothing more than a hero, a shoulder to lean on. He’s never seemed like the sharpest needle in the sewing kit, but if he’s not documenting this entire clusterfuck, he fails. Chaos makes for great edutainment. Just ask Dr. Drew. Oprah’s couch ain’t the only couch in the world.

2) Unexpected sponsorship.
-So maybe Cadillac, Nike, Gatorade & EA Sports have that kind of money that can buy & sell a man in a matter of minutes. Tiger is the first billion dollar athlete, so his stock is hella high, & that’s putting it mildly. Again, he’s Tiger Fucking Woods. There’s literally dozens, if not hundreds of companies who’d be willing to put their business’ fiscal future on the line for a shot at Tiger Woods becoming their spokesman. What’s a “Trojan Man”? He may have to shill what’s tantamount to socks & underwear, but it was good enough for Air Jordan, when gambling & cheating bit him in the ass like a, umm, tiger, right? All money is good money, even loose change. Loose change to this guy is probably $20 bills, but you smell my cologne.

3) Tyler. Perry.
-This whole infidelity fiasco is a bigger picture, made up of a cacophony of smaller pieces. Some of Tiger’s transgressions lasted for years. God has been watching episodes of “The Tiger Show” back to back, so much so that there’s probably no need for Him to use TiVo once. Who better to break down all the nuts & berries & turn it into a string of movies featuring scantily-clad White women, gratuitous sex & a Black man than Tyler Perry? Throw Madea in the mix, as Tiger’s gun-toting, weed-smoking, ex-convict Black grandmother, & people may not ever watch his prior coonery again. I say hire Dave Chappelle to play the role of Tiger. He’s married to an Asian women & has an over bite. Just saying.

4) The world loves an “expert”.
-Fuck Dr. Phil, with his breath of Oprah’s nectar, trailer park vernacular & freshly-waxed fivehead. He’s a douchebag guru, but his title of “doctor” gives him unlimited power over people’s lives. He went to school, & spent thousands of dollars for a piece of paper that gives him the authority to tell folks they’re morons, & he gets paid for it. Handsomely. Pause. Well, I’m not sure if there’s a degree in wedded promiscuity, “Adulterology”, if you will, but Eldrick damn sure is an expert. Every sneaky, albeit dumb move he’s made that contributed to his current character assassination can be used as a mirror, to show the other cheaters what they’re doing wrong, & possibly how to fix it before it’s too late. Wait, does therapy count as learning? Even better. When he’s done with rehab, he’ll (hopefully) have gained new insights as to his behaviors. The what’s, why’s & how’s. Give him 60 minutes, & a room full of downtrodden jump-off addicts, & it’s almost guaranteed he’ll help somebody. Throw shit at a wall, & some of it’s gotta stick, right? Hell, he can even throw golf tips in, at the last 10 minutes of the show. 2 birds, 1 stone. Ha!.

I saw him apologize. Personally, the only person he owes an explanation to is his wife, but that’s just me.